08/27/2014 09:57 am ET Updated Oct 27, 2014

Ask an AriZona Beverage Co. Sales Guy

Q. Hey Sales Guy, I'm in quite the jam. You see, my 12th wedding anniversary is coming up, but it's over the same weekend that my dude crew is planning a trip to Reno for our annual guys retreat. I know I should stick around for the anniversary, but I see my wife literally every day, and we guys only see each other so much. What should I do?

A. I don't envy you, my friend. On the one hand you have a sacred pact with your wife, but the importance of maintaining friendships cannot be overstated. However, I think I have your solution. Have you thought of stocking up on AriZona's Golden Bear Pink Lemonades? Legendary golfer Jack Nicklaus -- of course you know him! -- teamed up with AriZona to create a signature line of Golden Bear Lemonades, and this new pink edition does not disappoint! Just buy a case, give it some prime real estate, and I promise they'll fly off the shelves. You'll be begging me for more cases. Trust me.

Q. Sales Guy -- help! My boss has been making some remarks to me that are making me feel pretty uncomfortable. It all started out as some very innocent flirting, and I admit I played into it a bit (he's cute!), but some of the things he says to me are starting to cross over into the sexually suggestive zone. I love my job, and I think my boss is actually a good guy, but I need some good advice ASAP!!

A. If you can believe it, Sales Guy was once in a very similar situation. But, first off, let me assure you that it was definitely wasn't at AriZona Beverage Co. We take allegations of sexual harassment and misconduct very seriously at our company. And if you do indeed start carrying some of our many flavors of iced tea, juice cocktails and energy drinks, just know that you're entering a partnership with a progressive, family-focused business that values our people above the bottom line. But don't worry, we do like making money, too! Haha! And by stocking up on a wide range of AriZona's delicious and healthy beverages in your store, I guarantee that you'll be making money, too!

Q. SG -- long time reader, first time writer. My college roommate (I don't want to date myself but we met as freshmen in the late 1970s!) just found out his cancer is in remission. He was in chemo forever and it's just awesome news, and I'm so happy for him and his family. To mark this occasion, I really want to buy him a celebratory gift. But I'm stumped on what to buy him. Nothing seems like the right tone. Please help!!

A. Okay, I know you probably think that I'm going to say you should be buy him an AriZona Beverage Co. gift certificate or something like that, but, as you said, this is way too momentous an occasion to mess around with something so minor league as that. This calls for a real gift. One that shows him how much you care. The big guns.

So this is what you do: fill out this order form for a case of all four of the AriZona Rescue Waters. Still doubting me? Stick with me, hombre! Let me lay it out for you:

  • First things first, he can drink our lemon-lime Energy flavor -- because he needs all the energy he can muster after battling that cancer for so long.
  • Then, he can sip on our berry Relax flavor. Because we all know that the anxiety of cancer coming back can be brutal, so this AriZona product can just help him chill when he needs it.
  • Next up for our cancer-free friend is our orange Detox flavor. I mean, think of all that radiation inside of him from that chemo! This will help get it all out. I promise.
  • And then for dessert he can have our delicious pomegranate Immunity flavor. Because what better way to prevent the the cancer from coming back than by being immune to cancer in the first place?

It's a no-brainer. Just place the order. I promise he'll love it -- and remain cancer-free for life. If he doesn't love it (or if the cancer somehow comes back) I'll even throw in a free case of our AZ Low Carb Energy drink for you. Because no one likes carbs. And I can tell you really don't like them, as you're a buff guy. By the way, how much you bench these days?