By now we're all familiar with President Bush's demand for legislation banning "human-animal hybrids" -- namely, the gathering threat of a race of Pig Men. These half-pig, half-man monstrosities received higher billing in the State of the Union than did the rebuilding of New Orleans -- so it must be important. For measure, let's see Secretary Chertoff's rendering of Pig Man again:
Tuesday night, I declared my support for the president on this front and have set about my patriotic duty researching and tracking this threat. What I discovered might shock you.
Nestled in the Bitterroot Valley, Montana is a secret operation to build the race of Pig Men -- a facility brazenly named Pigman Builders. How long have they been growing Pig Men in Matrix-style goo pods? Long enough to have achieved the self-proclaimed status of "Innovative and Award Winning." So there's awards for this grotesque bastardization of God's science? Worse -- they give out awards for hating America?
Upon further investigation, I discovered that the lab is partially operated by -- you guessed it -- actual Pig Men. Their staff page lists the names Chip Pigman, Ron Pigman, Ran Pigman (could be a devilish clone of Ron), Anne Pigman, and Corky Pigman. So they're giving names to Pig Men, eh? And endearing, all American names like "Corky" and "Chip"? As if they're like us. I wonder which liberal activist judge allowed those birth certificates to be approved.
Maybe it was Superior Court Judge Robert S. Pigman. Hailing from the great state of Indiana, Judge Pigman is a clear indicator of the urgency of the threat of the Pig Man. They've infiltrated our judicial system -- probably turning a blind eye at Pig Man crime and undermining our Constitution.
And what's more frightening to President Bush than Judge Pigman? Try combining three of his least favorite things: Pig Man, Lawyers, and New Orleans. That's right. The law offices of Stone, PIG MAN, Walther, and Whittman are located in the America-hating city of New Orleans and what nefarious law practice do they specialize in? Toxic tort law. We all know how much the president loves the environment, so he'd be especially angry if he knew these Pig Man lawyers actively defend alleged polluters against environmental claims.
Last but not least is an aspect of this plot which spits and oinks in the very face of God, and nestles like a disgusting wad in his otherwise pristine white beard. Pig Man Marriage. I know. It's gross and it's against the Bible. The book of Leviticus 11:7 says: "The pig, because he has a split hoof, and is cloven-footed, but doesn't chew the cud, he is unclean to you."
But according to the Colorado Springs Gazette, Barbara Lynn Wright married cud-hater Jeffrey Dennis Pigman on August 4, 2001. Odd that they were married two days prior to President Bush receiving the PBD "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Within the U.S." Coincidence or evidence of a Pig Man alliance with the terrorists? If Bush had been allowed to use his warrantless spy program on the Pig Men, perhaps we'd know for sure.
If Mr. and Mrs. Pigman are reading my words right now, I must ask: why are you destroying the sanctity of marriage? I turned to my wife after learning this information and asked, "If Pig Man can marry, our holy marriage is useless and artificial, no? Let's divorce, like our heroes Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich!" And so, my marriage is over. Pig Man, you bastard!
Stay vigilant, America. And support the president's call for legislation against the Pig Man. I'm proud to join with the president in leading the charge. Are you with us, or against us?