Dear Facebook Friends,
I'm sure 2014 is going to be a busy year for you. And, because like every other carbon-based life form in the world, my Facebook posts tend to fall into very predictable categories, I'm going to save you a lot of time and just give you my entire Facebook year in advance.
So here you have, all in one shot, my ongoing agenda of humble-bragging and attempts at making my life sound oh so fabulous.
I will go on vacation to a really beautiful, exciting place. Now, imagine the pictures I will post -- along with my breathless enthusiasm -- and take the time to very-temporarily wish you were me.
Someone in my family will get sick or pass away. Thank you in advance for your virtual hugs, assurances that, if dead, they are "in a better place" and, of course, all "thoughts and prayers."
I will continue to have an extraordinarily smart, funny, caring, beautiful woman in my life and will use many opportunities to brag about my relationship with her.
My birthday will occur at some point in 2014. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the sincere "Happy Birthday, Bob!!!!!!" wishes.
I will eat many meals this year and some of them will be so incredibly photogenic I will be compelled to show them to you.
I will feel political anger at some point in the year. Please consider my spleen vented in advance. Agree with me. Tell me how smart I am.
My teenage son will continue to be the smartest, wittiest, most handsome boy on the planet -- I will use Facebook to tell you this and to disabuse you of the notion that this honor goes to your kid(s).
I will not feel well on a couple of occasions. You will give me sympathy and send deeply-felt sentiments of "FEEL BETTER!!!" I thank you in advance.
I will feel sad a few times this year and want you to express how you feel my pain and stand in solidarity. You will comment with an inspirational quote on inner strength. Thank you.
At some point, you will mindlessly repost some baseless political drivel from Fox News. I predict in advance the "news" will be that President Obama travelled from Kenya to Dallas in November 1963, as a 2-year-old boy, to assassinate John F. Kennedy. I will determine that you are an idiot.
I will comment on the incredible cuteness of someone's kids or pets -- despite how homely they actually are and even if I did not even look at the picture.
There is a 100 percent chance I will see video of a kitten doing something cute or a person burping the alphabet. I will not find those funny. Consider them not posted.
Someone in my life will commit some minor or perceived transgression and I will punish them in public with a veiled, passive-aggressive cheap shot.
If I have some kind of medical problem I will be sure to draw it to everyone's attention in excruciating, TMI detail. Be sure to tell me about your uncle who once had this malady and how it was nothing -- or how he died a slow, agonizing death.
I will be so enthused with someone's post it will be, like, OMG, and I'll be, like, LOLing so much, I'll have to BRB to go to the bathroom before I WMP (wet my pants).
Thinking I am being original, I will post about something or someone by simply writing "Best. [Blank]. Ever."
I will refuse to "like" or repost any strident anti-cancer or pro-troops banners from your Facebook wall, thus reasonably leading you to conclude that I love cancer and hate our military.
See/annoy you in 2015!