THE BLOG
01/05/2015 10:37 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My New Year's Resolutions Are Already Old

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We are only into the first days of January 2015, and I have blown all of my New Year's resolutions. Here is the list I vowed to finalize before the ball dropped on Times Square:

December 2014

1. Eat a lower-cholesterol diet.
2. Exercise more.
3. Finish sending holiday cards.
4. Be more patient with the sound of people chomping popcorn at the movies.
5. Pair socks before throwing them into the washing machine.
6. Roll earplugs after each use so that I don't waste valuable workout time trying to unknot them.
7. Get to bed an hour earlier.
8. Wake up a half hour earlier.
9. Use Walt Whitman's quote as my 2015 mantra: "Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
10. Do not wait for houseplants to die before watering them.

Here is how my "Top 10 List of Resolutions" is out the window within days of the holiday revelry:

January 2015

1B: Forget the low-cholesterol objective. Who am I kidding? On New Year's Day, we had grilled cheese sandwiches (with two different cheeses) on Italian bread that was lathered with butter (so that the sandwiches wouldn't stick to the grill).

How to outdo this entrée? Did anyone say "Crème Brûlée"?

I had made that the day before. The Silver Palate recipe called for three whole eggs and three yolks. Oh, and two-and-a-third cups of heavy cream.

2B: Does whisking egg yolks by hand count as exercise?

3B: I will finish sending out my holiday cards. Tomorrow. (But definitely before Valentine's Day.)

4B: To drown out the noise of people eating popcorn, I will counter by eating an apple (and learning more about misophonia).

5B: The only way to surmount the uni-sock dilemma is to start afresh. I like buying new socks. (Plus, they are on sale now.)

6B: Try to find retractable earplugs.

7B and 8B: Negative 1 + negative .5 = gaining half an hour in real time. (Why bother?)

And while we are in the mode of questioning ...

9B: The one about being positive and keeping my face toward the sun: What if it's raining?

10B: I tied a red string around the leaves of the houseplants as a reminder to water them. (Hopefully the string doesn't contain poisonous dye. The responsibility to maintain healthy houseplants is killing me. And apparently them as well.)

There are 360-odd days left to make things right before the next round of New Year's resolutions. Stay the course. Resolve to be resolute with your self-promises.

Let's touch base in March to see how you're doing. In the meantime, may we continue our quest to attain perfection by next Dec. 31, 2015.

It's closer than you think.