THE BLOG
09/29/2014 05:52 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My Imperfect Journey

2014-09-22-482580_470018366435711_773436149_n.jpg "Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts."

This quote could not be any truer in my life. I spent 11 years overweight wishing and wanting my life away. I wanted so many things for myself, but they all seemed so far out of reach. I wanted my face back; it was so hidden from the fat that I had forgotten what I looked like. I wanted to be able to laugh without fear of how it made my double chin look. I wanted to be able to smile. I wanted to have pictures of myself that I wouldn't delete. I wanted to feel worthy. Most of all, I wanted to live my life.

First, let's rewind a little bit. Let's go back to 2002 when my first child was born. Growing up, I was never one who had to worry about my weight. Once my daughter was born, I thought the baby weight would melt right off. I couldn't have been more wrong. I soon noticed I was gaining weight at a steady pace. Nine months later, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, PCOS, for short. I weighed 198 pounds at that point in my life. Feeling defeated by PCOS, it quickly became an excuse to eat whatever I wanted and live a sedentary lifestyle.

In 2007, I was able to lose 32 pounds with diet and exercise. Soon after the weight loss, I became pregnant with my second child. Just a mere six weeks after the birth of my second, I became pregnant with my third child. With the back-to-back pregnancies combined with my unhealthy eating habits, I was soon sitting at my heaviest of 245 pounds. I was too tired to keep fighting the fight. I surrendered.

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During the next few years, I battled with my weight. I would lose some just to put it back on a few months later. I became depressed. My weight controlled me. I quit caring about my appearance and who I was. I locked myself in my home and avoided social situations at all costs. I had no friends or social life. I missed the woman I was meant to be deeply and yearned to be her constantly. I lost all hope for myself and settled for simply being alive.

In January 2013, the light bulb finally turned on for me. I realized that I could have everything I wanted if I would eat right and exercise. It was that simple for me. I told myself, "I can have it all. I just have to go get it!" I realized at that moment that I truly had the power to change my life.

The next 11 months were absolutely amazing for me. I stuck to my promise to eat right and exercise and lost 90 pounds and 90 total inches. Life was great. I had every single one of my "wants" and then some. My weight no longer controlled my life, and I was learning who I was. I accomplished some life goals during that time. I had my photo printed in Oxygen Magazine and had my first ever professional photo shoot. Finally! I had found my happy! I was once a girl who would delete every photo of myself, and now I was front and center in the spotlight. I had a Facebook page with over 5,000 followers supporting me daily. I wasn't simply alive, I was LIVING. I was convinced that I would never be the sad woman that I once was.

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Unfortunately, when the holidays were upon me, I began to struggle with my healthy lifestyle. It became harder and harder to remain disciplined in my diet and exercise. Food was everywhere. I was feeling stressed from the hustle and bustle of the holidays. Then, my son began to have medical problems, and that's when my diet and exercise took a spot on the bottom of the totem pole. Ultimately, I realized that it was simply an excuse but it was one that I made myself believe.

Today, I am 45 pounds heavier than I was in 2013. The active life I was living last year is gone. The self-confidence, happiness, and smile I had earned, that's gone too. I never envisioned myself being back to the girl I was before. I went from being so happy and working so hard to achieve a body and health that I was proud of to tugging and pulling on my clothes.

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However, my journey is not over. My story has changed since 2013, but it's not the end of my book. My fight continues. I will earn my happiness. I will earn my body. One victory at a time. I don't have it all figured out and probably never will. My journey is imperfect, and that's the beauty of it. I'm just like every other woman out there trying to lose weight.

I'm perfectly imperfect.

I encourage you to follow me as I continue to fight for my happiness.

Follow me on Facebook.