ADVICE 05: Should I Tell My Ex I Want Him Back?

ADVICE 05: Should I Tell My Ex I Want Him Back?
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In the introductory issue of this column, I said this was going to be an "experimental process." How could it not be? I'd never written an advice column before.

Now that I've written four installments of one, it's time to start experimenting. Thanks to a suggestion from my brother, Brian, I'm now going to publish ADVICE twice per week -- on Wednesdays and Fridays.

The thought process behind this change is that not everyone comes to this site every day. So the more days I can make the column available, the more people have a chance to see it, and the more its audience has the chance to grow. That's the hope anyway.

To start, I'll be answering one question in each publishing, down from the semi-customary two. Not only will this allow me to get to questions quicker, but it'll provide twice the weekly articles that can each be read in half the time. Win-win.

With that, we're onto the inaugural Wednesday edition, in which we discuss young love...

(Questions have been modified for clarity and space.)

It's been two years since my ex and I have broken up. We were originally going to date long distance because of college, but the week before I moved away, he decided to abandon that idea out of the blue and broke up with me, because he believed it was better for both of us in the long run. It took me a long time to get over the breakup, and I thought I was completely fine last year. However, I all of a sudden really miss him again and want to tell him how I feel. We have talked a few times over text the past two years, and he has always been very friendly with me. So I don't know if he feels the same way or if I should tell him, because I am not sure if he has a significant other or not.
--Lily; New York, NY

While it would cost us an entire genre of movies, it's almost unfair that we're able to fall in love in high school and college. I get that those love lessons learned stick with us longer than lessons learned in the classroom, but still, with needs, desires and addresses in constant flux, it's tough. Our lives are as unsettled as our hormones, making it difficult to grow or hold onto a relationship, no matter how deep the connection.

I know I'm supposed to provide the answers, but I'm going to first ask several questions:

Why do you think you've begun missing your ex? Did anything in particular set you off? Did you see an old picture, or hear a special song, or pass a significant anniversary?

And what's going on in your life these days? Are you satisfied, or are you sad? Last year, when you were doing OK with the breakup, what was your life like? What, if anything, has changed from then to now?

I ask all this because I'm curious if this newfound longing for your ex is a reaction to something else. When our present isn't as we want it, our minds naturally drift to the past. We reminisce, and we relive, and we dream of recapturing those better times. Why wouldn't we? They were the good ol' days for a reason, right?

But that nostalgia, those memories, they're fool's gold. They have their place, and they're meant to be enjoyed. But no matter how sweet they seem, they won't solve today's problems.

If you think there could be something else going on that's causing you to miss your old boyfriend -- a dissatisfaction with school, with your friends, with your romantic life -- then that's what you want to work on repairing, not this past relationship. Under those circumstances, even if you did get back together, it'd be for the wrong reasons, which would ultimately lead to another breakup you'd have to endure.

On the other hand, if you do this honest self-evaluation and determine that's not the case, that your ex could be the one who got away, then you have to pursue him. It doesn't matter if you live in different cities or go to different colleges. You don't want to end up wondering, What if?

Besides, the What If? Game doesn't have to be a bad thing. What if he doesn't have a girlfriend? What if he does feel the same way that you feel?

The only way to find out -- and the only way to move forward -- is to talk to him and tell him what you're thinking. And while that's scary, it's always worth the effort, even if it's painful in the immediate aftermath. To steal a line from the movie With Honors, despite it being way, way before your time:

"Don't let him be a regret. It's worse than being a loser."

FRIDAY: My fiance is emotionally withdrawn...

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