09/10/2012 05:34 pm ET Updated Oct 29, 2012

Manifesto of the Common Sense Party


A spectre is haunting America -- the spectre of common sense.

All the powers of old America have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Religious fundamentalists and Tea Partiers, Roves and Kochs, FOX News and those who actually believe its coverage is "fair and balanced."

Where is the party in opposition that has not been decried as "common sense" by its opponents in power? Where is the opposition that has not hurled back the branding reproach of common sense, against the more advanced opposition parties, as well as against its reactionary adversaries?

Two things result from this fact:

I. Common sense is already acknowledged by all American powers to be itself a power.
II. It is high time that those with common sense should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the Spectre of common sense with a manifesto of the movement itself.

To this end, individuals with common sense from various American states have emailed, have texted, have friended, have followed, have Skyped, have Tumbl'd, have Digg'd, and have even met in person in coffee shops in order to sketch the following manifesto, to be published only in English (because, of course, America is "exceptional").

CHAPTER 1. Out of Many, One

The history of American society is the history of immigration. Deal with it. Unless you are a Native American, you or your ancestors immigrated to this country. There are reasonable arguments for regulating immigration, but those with racist or xenophobic motivations put forward under the pretense of preserving some romanticized "American way" are not only small-minded, but incongruous with the defining spirit of America. This is not common sense.

CHAPTER 2. Foxes Cannot Guard Henhouses

The market economy does have its virtues. Capitalism gives us things like Cocoa Pebbles, Cartoon Network, and products made by the Apple Corporation. But, when we all know that the global economy crashed in 2008 due in large part to the unregulated transactions going on in various financial sectors that claimed to be capable of regulating themselves, why on earth would we trust them now? These individuals belong in jail for the grave and profound global harm they have caused. Common sense understands that foxes cannot be trusted to guard hen houses.

CHAPTER 3. "Trickle" Me This

The notion of "trickle down" economics was a simple one -- easily communicated to the public and rolling off the tongue of the Great Communicator of the last generation. But it didn't work in the 1980s and it won't work now. When you cut the taxes of the rich, on the presumption that it somehow reaches the rest of us in the form of ancillary benefits of spending, investment, or job creation, all you really get is rich people getting even richer and laughing all the way to the bank -- the bank they own, by the way. Cut the rope and drop the trope. Common sense says that what is best for the 99 percent is what is best for America, no matter which plutocrat's firm is doing the fraudulent accounting.

CHAPTER 4. Hot Enough for Ya?

We know the talking points of the critics -- "global warming" was rebranded as "climate change" in order to make it seem innocuous and to absolve our species of culpability -- but common sense says otherwise. Energy executives can decry, manipulate, and propagandize until what is left of their souls evaporates, but reasonable people understand that man is having a serious impact on the Earth. This is a problem that cannot be foisted upon the next generation. Human activity is harming the environment and we are seeing it in terms of increased temperatures, disturbed crop cycles, drought, deflated commodity prices, inflationary trends affecting consumers, and so on. Common sense understands that when you leave behind footprints, it is obvious where you have been walking.