A new revelation pertaining to the intelligence community's secret surveillance programs has led to the resignation of NSA chief Keith Alexander, effective immediately.
Glenn Greenwald, a journalist at the Guardian who came to prominence this year after publishing a series of classified NSA documents obtained by Edward Snowden, added the newest installment to his collection Wednesday. And, while Americans are split over the program's legality and effectiveness, recent polls show nearly unanimous agreement regarding one key aspect: those PowerPoint slides are so goddamn terrible.
The presentation in question, which describes the NSA's database analysis tool called "XKeyscore," has left voters wondering why the agency never updated from PowerPoint 2.0, released in 1990.
"It's embarrassing," said Mrs. Scheisskopf, a parade planner who viewed the presentation. "I sent Director Alexander a letter saying that PowerPoint 2013 is on Amazon for like $100 but never received a response."
Almost 90 percent of Americans have an unfavorable view of the NSA's slideshow efforts, according to the Pew Research Center. One-half of those polled said that they plan to lobby Congress to mandate that all intelligence officials attend a PowerPoint tutorial course every year for the rest of their lives. Angelo Mancuso, who agreed to be identified as a participant, said that he's ashamed to be an American now.
"It's like they used Microsoft Paint or Kid Pix or something," Mancuso said. "Here's a simple rule: if Clippy's in the corner, it's too old for you, bro."
The Obama administration spoke to reporters about Alexander's resignation Friday morning.
"This PowerPoint slideshow is a stain on our nation's reputation," spokesman Jay Carney declared. "Spying is one thing, but looking so low-class while doing it... ugh."
Harold Beard, a baby who was born literally minutes ago, is rumored to be the president's preferred nominee to the empty post.