THE BLOG
07/12/2010 11:02 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Michael Steele's Latest Big Idea: Hire Paul the Soccer Octopus

SPURIOUS -- Washington, D.C. -- Embattled G.O.P. chairman Michael Steele is reaching out to a slimy German political consultant to save his job and bring the Republicans victory in the fall: Paul, the soccer octopus.

Democratic operatives received a video file from an as-yet unnamed source of a clandestine meeting in a Maryland Motel 6. This is that transcript.

Steele is seen sitting on the bed, feeding it quarters, probably to make the vibrating motor dampen any listening devices in the room. Two men dressed in black bring a heavy box with a black cloak into the room and set it on the desk.

STEELE: "Is that him?"

MIB 1: "Yessir. We just popped him off a MAC flight into Bolling."

STEELE: "Is he okay? Let me see..."

MIB 2: "I just have to plug him into the AC..."

The first Man in Black removes the black cloak revealing Paul, the soccer octopus. In his tank are two glass cups with YES and NO cards on them.

STEELE: "Wow... How much did we end up paying the Aquarium in Oberhausen?"

MIB 2: "Twenty-two million, sir."

STEELE: "Did that include the mussels for the cups?"

MIB 1: "Another 3 mil, sir."

STEELE: "Hmmm... Well, it's worth it if he can assure us victory in the Fall. You think he speaks English?"

MIB 1: "He picked the Oakland Raiders to win the 2011 Super Bowl when we tested him out, sir."

STEELE: "He's a visionary! Put a couple of mussels in the cup!"

The first MIB takes off his coat at this point, rolls up his sleeve, and dips into a small container of mussels on the back of the aquarium. He places one in each cup.

STEELE: "Paul, should we keep stonewalling the Democrats on every piece of major legislation?"

Paul slowly slides from the corner of the tank to the two cups holding his favorite morsels. His tentacles slide along both cups, considering. He then attacks the mussel in the "No" cup.

STEELE: "No? Wow. Okay. Take that down. We need to change our tactics... Set him up again boys. This time oyster shooters for da man!"

The MIB pulls out two oysters, and draws out a combat knife from his leg under his trousers. He shucks the two oysters and puts them in the cups.

STEELE: "Paul, is our platform good? Pushing guns, banning gay marriage, defending BP's right to spill oil, that kind of thing?"

Paul stretched out his tentacles, considered both cups, then devoured the oyster out of the NO cup.

STEELE: "You see?! I keep telling Sean Hannity and Rush that we're out of touch with mainstream folks. Make a note. We're going to have to start changing our ways around here... One more."

MIB 1: "He's getting kind of full, sir. They said don't overfeed..."

STEELE: "I don't care! There's one question I must have answered."

The MIB reaches in the bait box, and loads up a pair of mussels in the cup. Steele can hardly contain himself.

STEELE: "Is Sarah Palin going to win for the GOP in 2012 as our presidential candidate?"

Paul considered for a moment, then slid directly to the YES cup and devoured the mussel.

Meanwhile, in a secure basement ops center far below the White House, President Obama, leaning back in an executive chair, holding a joy stick, speaks to a balding, bespectacled man seated next to him.

OBAMA: "Professor, that's absolutely genius! You sure that he won't figure out that it's a robotic octopus?"

The professor points back to the screen as Steele, on the video camera, pops more quarters into the vibrating bed and begins bouncing up and down gleefully.

OBAMA: "Point taken. This is going to be GREAT!"