10/07/2013 09:11 pm ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

What Gays Can Do With Money After It's Worthless


With the debt ceiling approaching and the possibility of a global financial collapse, I think it's time that we talk about the bright side of things. For instance, what will we gay folk do with our useless cash? There are endless possibilities.

After World War I Germans used 50-million-Mark bank notes and glue to make bricks. My idea? Wallpaper! Haven't you ever wanted to cover your wall in $100 bills? Well, if the Republicans have their way, a few weeks after Oct. 17 you'll be able to cover your living room in 360 degrees of Benjamin Franklin for $3 or less, adjusted for inflation. Beat that, Bed, Bath & Beyond!

If you think the shades of green are a bit boring, you can always stock up on food coloring and bleach. I would recommend buying extra, because once the bakers run out, you can trade the coloring for bread. You're also going to need it to make a variety of shades for your new currency clothes. Fortunately, pink requires little red dye to make. It's best to treat the pre-collapse dollar with bleach to get some of the green out, though. If you don't, red and green will combine to make the color "blah." That's the crayon name, at least.

Speaking of crayons, you're going to want to avoid children like the plague (if your boyfriend isn't already). You see, with the government shutdown, the CDC is no longer distributing flu shots, so all those poor kids are going to be sick as hell. Just to be safe, it's best to make a face mask out of $1 bills, which probably won't exist in a few months. Once the dollar bill is replaced with the $100,000 promissory note, your face mask will be vintage style!

Speaking of promissory notes, if there were ever a time to take that Nigerian prince up on his offer, this would be it. Pretty soon the Zimbabwean 100-trillion-dollar note will look like the bedrock of financial stability. Promised money from an email scam is sure to be twice as good as any paper backed by the full faith and credit of the United States. The more money you have in Nigerian banks, the less you'll have to scavenge on the streets for food scraps. And you know what you could do with all that extra time? Why, you could be making lampshades out of long-term treasury bonds!

These are just my ideas, though. The rest of the gay community will come up with oodles of new ideas as the monetary apocalypse approaches. I just hope you don't take any of this too seriously. The GOP doesn't.

After all, it's just one big game, right? Pretty soon we'll all wake up and be covered in fabulous amounts of money. So have a little faith, kids! We'll all make it through together. Currency is just a unit of trade whose value is commonly agreed upon. What does that mean?

Well, let's just say that being good at sex is going to be a lot more valuable in the future.