05/07/2015 03:13 pm ET Updated May 07, 2016

I Am a Mom

Brooke Arellano

I am a mom.

I am an architect, finding ways to construct magical wonderland forts in 90 seconds with sheets, a cardboard box, three thumbtacks and a folding chair.

I am a line cook, whipping up orders on "the fly" in order to please a daughter who wants mac and cheese, then pizza, then chicken, then steak, then cereal... and then nothing at all when she decides she's "not hungry."

I am a high-stakes negotiator, diffusing epic public meltdowns using any method necessary.

I am an addict, red-eyed and twitching, searching for the nearest caffeine fix after a long night of repeatedly checking for monsters under the bed.

I am a ninja, honing my skills of silently escaping my daughter's room after storytime.

I am a clown, performing ridiculous tricks, dances and jokes at my daughter's demand.

I am a cop, attempting to enforce rules while the guilty party tries to flee the scene of the crime.

I am a storyteller, constantly constructing intricate stories about what the Tooth Fairy does with all of the teeth she collects, what Santa does in his time off and how the Easter Bunny hops to every child's house without getting tired.

I am a costume designer, creating Frozen costumes, doggy ears and fairy wings with the items in an unorganized junk drawer and the contents of my closet.

I am a forensic scientist, examining unknown objects/stains and attempting to identify their origin.

I am a singer, required to belt out everything from "Wheels on the Bus," to "Baby got Back" on a daily basis.

I am an abstract art expert, trying to find beauty in globs of paint, scribbled portraits and clumpy mud "sculptures."

I am a plumber, fishing in the toilet attempting to remove stuffed animals, Legos and barrettes on a weekly basis.

I am an event coordinator, executing a "Dora the Explorer" party with all the precision and planning of a space shuttle launch.

I am a politician, forced to utilize bribes, propaganda and lengthy speeches to convince my kid to do the simplest of tasks.

I am a mom.

This post originally appeared on Crazy Mama Drama. Find Crazy Mama Drama on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.