Challenged to move away from generalities and bromides and provide specifics about fixing America's troubled economic situation, Sen. John McCain, the Republican presidential nominee, has at last responded. He presented a sweeping new idea so startling that not even top economists and leading banking regulation authorities would answer phone calls seeking comment.
"Every American should buy an Amway distributorship, sit back and watch the cash pour in," the Arizona senator declared. "I've studied almost every page of the Amway pamphlet. Everybody will get rich. My economic advisers tell me this would have a very fundamental effect on fundamental things -- like jobs."
McCain further predicted that Amway's vast line of household products, spurred by huge new demand after franchisees start beating the bushes to sell Amway distributorships to others, who will sell distributorships to still others, who will sell distributorships to the yet others, one of whom will actually have to buy Amway products to sell,
This will also create a "tsunami" in the manufacturing and raw materials sectors as suppliers of alkali, palm oil, ammonia and other staples scramble to produce enough soap, sponges, stain-remover and other key commodities to stock distributors' basements and garages nationwide.
"This is my very own idea," the Vietnam War hero and 26-year Capitol Hill veteran emphasized. "Cindy [McCain's wife] thought everybody should buy a beer distributorship instead," he disclosed, "but not in Arizona.
"I told her that wouldn't be fair to the fine folks, the Arizonans, or Arizonians, or whatever," McCain continued, "and, after all, my fundamental principle is fundamentally fairness to all, I believe. But, by then, I realized Cindy had gone shopping."
Originally published in the Washington Independent.
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of "All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall" and "Zany Afternoons."