Rise of the Republicants

Attention people of the year 2009,

We, the people of the future, need your urgent assistance. We have sent this message back in time in the hope that the events that have occurred may be altered by your immediate action.

We are writing to you from the rubble of our once promising republic, The United States of America. The date when its demise began is not known exactly, but, by the first decade of the 21st century, the agents of its destruction had already begun to make themselves known.

They came to be known as Republicants, zombie like creatures, one half corporate shill and one half frightened poodle, whose objective was the systematic dismantling of any undertaking that might advance the cause of civilization. Their onslaught harmed this nation in many ways but one demands mention here above all others.

In your not too distant future, Republicants will prevent the urgently needed improvement of your health care system. Things will continue as they have been and tens of thousands of citizens will continue to die each year because they lack health insurance. Thousands who do have it will also die as insurance adjusters routinely refuse to cover procedures or rescind policies.

After a few more years, as premiums and the costs of health care continue to rise, many people will become insolvent and the economy will suffer a severe depression. Meanwhile, due to a lack of focus on preventative care, your citizens will grow increasingly obese and unhealthy. Work will grind to a halt and your infrastructure will collapse. Finally, the epidemic of 2137 will claim 90 percent of your population.

But it is not too late. You can insure a better future for the nation. First, you need to be able to identify a Republicant. It is not hard.

To begin with, Republicants say "no" or "can't" a lot. Primarily this is a reaction to legislation intended to help the underprivileged or anything that has to do with guns. But occasionally it has to do with less obvious matters, like keeping overly qualified Latino women off the Supreme Court. Sometimes it's just a "no" for the sake of saying "no." They can't help themselves. In general, you can recognize a Republicant in that they will always oppose any suggestion, no matter how sound or promising, that is offered by your President Obama.

Furthermore, any moment that offers hope or change will be attacked by Republicants. For example, after Bill Clinton achieved the release of two American journalists from imprisonment in North Korean, Republicant Dick Morris called Clinton's accomplishment "awful" and said that the journalists should "live with the consequences of their decision to go" to North Korea.

Republicants are also recognizable by their propensity for inventing big, scary lies. For example, Republicants Sarah Palin and Chuck Grassley turned a sincere non-partisan effort to inform seniors about their options when it came to life challenging issues into "death panels" that would decide whether or not grandma could go on living.

Republicants have a tendency for violence and are intolerant towards opposing views. For example, when members of Congress organized town hall meetings so their constituents could rationally discuss proposed health care reform, Republicants organized to disrupt these get-togethers, sending memos to other Republicants with instructions such as "rock-the-boat early in the Rep's presentation, watch for an opportunity to yell out and challenge the Rep's statements early." Republicants also began showing up at presidential town halls sporting handguns and assault weapons.

Republicants are programmed to oppose progress and they are relentless. For example, though Social Security and Medicare had been incredibly successful government programs since their inception, decades later Republicants continued their efforts to dismantle them.

Finally, Republicants can be recognized by their misunderstanding and misuse of the terms "socialism," "communism," "fascism" and "Nazism" and their affinity for dim witted, uninformed leaders such as the aforementioned Palin, George W. Bush and Dan Quayle who similarly do not understand the definitions of those terms.

Interestingly, Republicants can seemingly only be programmed for one dimensional thinking. An earlier version of the Republicant was only capable of saying "Yes" as in "yes" to two wars, "yes" to tax cuts for the wealthy, "yes" to torture, "yes" to a windfall for the drug companies disguised as Medicare reform, "yes" to a handout to credit card companies, and so on.

Were they an evolutionary mistake, visitors from another planet, a laboratory experiment gone wrong? Our scientists now believe that they were once fully human, but that they possessed a set of genes that were incapable of evolving, making them highly susceptible to RF radiation. A group of evil mad men with names like Limbaugh, Hannity and Beck, then used these RF waves to program the Republicants for the methodical destruction of our society.

So what can you do? Speak out. Republicants cannot be dissuaded from their objective. But they are vulnerable to the light of day. Your best hope is to encourage the rest of your population to see the Republicants for what they are, droids whose only function is to block progress at every turn. Be sure not to overlook the Republicant doppelganger, or Democraticant. These flunkies serve their Republicant masters and go by names like "Blue-Dog" and "Lieberman." Pull open the drapes and force these creatures into the sunlight. With their influence minimized, you might, at last, have the possibility of a brighter future.

Please take heed. And hurry.

Yours truly,
George Washington Connor
President
The former United States of America