10/19/2010 01:36 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter to Ken Buck (Satire)

Dear Ken,

You, sir, are quite gay. And good for you!

But seriously, let's call it like it really is. Ken Buck, you are as gay as the day is long. And I don't mean gay in the same way that Vince Vaughn's character in that movie trailer says electric cars are gay.

Kenny, (you too Mr. Paladino) you should be wearing cut off jorts (jean you don't know that!) and roller skating the boardwalk at Venice Beach with your arms spread out like wings in the lovely fall breeze. Wings that do jazz hands, but only when they are roller skating. Otherwise...tacky! But running for public office? Come on! You gotta, gotta cut-a-loose.

Head out to WeHo, baby! And lose the suits...those sleeves look so itchy! I don't get it. Why continue to play up the stiff, no-fun-having family guy hoo-ha when you nearly (sooo close!) came out of the closet this week to the entire country!

Some people I've talked to stunningly didn't catch what you said this week. I guess because you didn't come right out and say the words, "I am gay" or "I heart boners", people didn't fully pick up on the meaning of your words. Luckily, my ears were wide open and I know what I heard.

Kenny! You ALMOST came right out and said it. I was on the edge of seat, tapping my fingertips anxiously like Montgomery Burns. "Wait...he's gonna say it! Here he goes...he's gonna... ooooohhhhhh he stopped just short." You did, however say that you thought being gay was a choice, and even went so far as to say that you "guess you can choose who your partner is."

Fascinating. You see Ken, I like women. I always have. I am a heterosexual male, and, I gotta tell you, there was never a choice involved. I didn't mull it over for a few weeks and say, "It's been a tough call, but I think I gotta give it to the women here. Guys, I want to thank you for trying out, and you were great, but there wasn't enough room. Hit the gym...come back next year."

No, for me Ken, there was no choice. Just the same for every gay person I've ever met. There was never a choice. They just liked who they liked, loved who they loved.

Well, actually I lied. They did face a choice. They had to decide whether or not to go through life pretending to be something they weren't. They had to decide whether or not they could face the insults and harassment that come when you live an openly gay lifestyle in the majority of communities in this country (save, a few safe havens. Kenny...WeHo, I'm TELLING you.)

But these brave men and women decided that "choosing" who you love is not what humans do. That's not how it works. You like who you like, love who you love.

They made the brave decision. Kenny, they're waiting with open arms. Hell, I'll even give you an enthusiastic pat on the butt on your way to Dupont Circle if you ever make it to Washington.

You tried to come out of the closet, Ken. But my ears may have been among the few to really hear it. You made it clear that you chose heterosexuality. The rest of us? Yeah, not so much.

Let's face it Ken. There was never a fence that you were on, nor was there a fence that any of use were on. You hopped the freaking fence, dammit. And to be honest, I don't want you on my side. Quit pretending to be heterosexual Kenny. You're making the rest of us look like real assholes.

Oh, and the rest of you who claim homosexuality is a "choice"? Yeah, sorry to call you out publicly like this but, um, you guys are gay too. Gay for sure. And ya know what? We're laughing at you. Laughing and pointing. Not because you are gay. But because you refuse to allow yourself the basic human freedom of liking who you like, loving who you love.

Oh well, your loss. Here's laughing at you.


Bryan M. Kinneen