10/25/2011 09:54 am ET Updated Dec 25, 2011

Open Letter to 'Occupiers' from Rational America

Dearest Occupiers,

Thank you for taking a break from tie-dying and your drum circles to read this letter. I know your organic agave-sweetened ginger tea (LOL) may be getting cold, so I'll keep this short.

You're crazy and weird and we don't like you. Plus you look like you smell.

America is not perfect, but we are lucky enough to live in a democracy and it would behoove you to show a little bit of gratitude. Instead you are filling our parks and streets with plastic tarps and unattractive shanty towns and for what? Because you're angry about student loans? Because you can't find a job? Would you rather live in Cuba?

Being American is about sacrifice and hard work. I'm not saying that everything is rosy, but what will you accomplish with handwritten, cardboard signs? Have you tried occupational school? Have you sent in your scrap gold for cash? How about a sex tape? Where would Kim Kardashian be if she'd studied genetics at Cal Tech and then spent three days living outdoors like you? Not in a mansion and not on E!, that's for sure.

The brilliant and sympathetic CNN reporter, Erin Burnett, showed the world just how hilarious and pointless your little protest is in a masterful segment eloquently entitled, "Seriously?". As clips of dancing, dreadlocked youngsters, clowns, and zombies flashed across my television, I all but wept for the future of our great nation. The young man who she chose to interview (unemployed, probably due to laziness) seemed to know very little about why he was protesting and Erin was quick to inform him that the bank bailouts many take issue with actually MADE billions of dollars that all Americans are enjoying.

Erin is a true American whose humble beginnings as a daughter to a corporate lawyer have made her conscious of what the average citizen's life is really like. I'd like to take a moment to congratulate her on her engagement to Citigroup executive David Rubulotta! If you happen to be hired by a temp agency to valet or pass out hors d'oeuvres at their wedding, be sure to express my sentiments. Every time Erin looks down at her sparkling rock, she thinks of the Americans whose foreclosed homes and laid off jobs made it possible for her one & only to afford it. If you think about it, it was actually group gift. No, we didn't sign the card, but we most definitely had a hand in making the glittering token of affection possible. Us and the African children who were so kind to have mined the diamond. See? We create jobs all over the world. USA! USA!

This is what is means to be an American. Working together. Not protesting. America was not built on protests or dissent. It was built on waiting. Waiting for things to get better. Or at least getting educated, first. Not traditionally educated in schools (most of you already did that- part of why you're so poor LOL), but by the news. Do you even know why you're protesting? NBC told me that you don't. And even though NBC Universal is owned by Comcast whose chairman and CEO is Ryan L. Roberts (sounds like a trustworthy name to me!) which basically means that one guy basically controls an entire network, I trust them. The anchors are attractive. Please, don't start shouting in the streets until you know what you're talking about, have a plan, letterhead, the ability to furnish incorporation papers, align with a specific political party- preferable one of the big two- and have a slim leader with shiny teeth and good hair. Only then can we take you seriously. It's not enough to just have "feelings". You're making us all uncomfortable.

One of the biggest problems I have with your event is your treatment of our men in blue. I saw a YouTube clip of a dangerous 120lb young woman who must have been so crazed and out of her mind on the PCP that it took three police officers and a few tufts of mace to subdue her. The clip didn't show the part where she was going crazy, breaking the law, or being threatening, but I'm sure that was cleverly edited out. She was small but pilates increases core strength. Please respect the people hired to protect them... I mean, you.

The rich are not to be hated, they are to be admired. So many of you cried when Steve Jobs passed away. Did you know he was rich? He created Apple out of his garage. Take the time to be inspired and come up with ideas in between shifts at Applebees and your other two part time jobs. Work your way up like the elite have done. Don't scream "feudalism" and accuse them of nepotism and having been born into wealth. Look at Steve Jobs. Keep looking. Just keep looking. It'll happen one day. Are you still looking? Hang on to the hope of not falling ill (this is the wrong country to do that in!) and becoming a millionaire one day. The dream will keep you warm and serve as a proverbial umbrella when the so-called 1%'s urine trickles down from the sky like bright yellow droplets of hope; an economic golden shower.

Speaking of YouTube, I saw another clip where Citibank "customers" were arrested during a mass closing of accounts. First of all, closing accounts does not help our economy. Shopping at Target does. When we loaned a bit of cash to these family run banking organizations we did so in good faith. Capitalism means giving the people's money to a corporation if they need it. That's economics 101. So what is a few executives treated themselves to a little bonus for a job well done? I'd buy a yacht if I could, too! Don't hate. Congratulate.

Can I just say that part of the reason why we're all laughing at you is because you're totally in the wrong place! Government spending is what has created the very few problems we have here. I'm surprised that with all of the iPhones and Macs you couldn't use Google Maps to find...the white house. Life is always great when a president from my party is in office. It's all the other party's fault. When you say that pharmaceuticals, lobbyists, banks, and corporations are controlling politics, you sound paranoid. I know you can't spell "grassroots" without "grass" but put down the joint because it's making you loopy. March your little hemp-wearing behinds to Pennsylvania Avenue and start polarizing!

I'm pleased that it seems as if your outbursts have been dying down. I rarely see coverage on the news anymore (thanks Ryan!). I'm glad this happened before other hippies in lesser countries started following suit. You may not realize this but as an American, you are an example to the rest of the world. People look up to us. We have Hollywood, we invented Starbucks and Costco. All of the good sports started here. Please take your responsibility seriously.

In closing, I'd like for you to reflect on how ungrateful your behavior has been and give you an opportunity to change your attitude. Focus on the good this country has to offer. As we speak, our SWAT team is planning raids on raw food colonies all over our country and preventing them from harming our health. Thanks to Monsanto, our corporate food angel, our cups and bowls runneth over. There are even talks of this philanthropic organization purchasing the ocean to ensure that our water supply stays fresh and regulated. Before you start complaining about the privatization of food and making more signs, realize that this is real life. Pocahontas is not here singing about "colors of the wind". You can own the land, OK? And be happy that they do. When we put our lives into the hands of the nobility, they will most likely take care of us.

Fall is here. Sports are on. Pumpkin spice lattes are back for a limited time. There are so many great new shows on television. Christmas and the Jewish holiday are coming up which means it's time to shop so that your family knows how much you care.

If you want to get into politics, become an intern. Don't destroy my America.

I want to end this letter with an inspirational quote from the philosopher Bruno Mars:

I wanna be a billionaire so f---ing bad
Buy all of the things I never had
I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen

Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights -- yeahh
A different city every night, all right
I swear, the world better prepare
For when I'm a billionaire

Hold fast to dreams.