01/28/2009 12:54 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Advice for Sarah Palin from George W. Bush

Dear Sarah,

Hey, it's me. Bushy.

I'm not real good at letter writing and you're not real good at letter reading, so I'll try and keep this short. As you prepare for the debate tonight, keep my thoughts in your thoughts and nothing can go wrong.

Oh, Sarah, as you probably read in "any and all" newspapers, it's been a horrible week. The Dow Jones suffered its largest drop ever, the bailout was rejected, and pizza lunch day was canceled. (Dow Jones is a "money" term--look under that section in your binder.)

And that meanie, Katie Couric, keeps asking you impossible questions, like "what does the bailout do." (I thought you were right on the money when you said "Ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform.")

No one seems to "get you" the way I do, Sarah. I am praying for you so hard it hurts! (I learned a new pray-technique on Sunday and I'm still a little sore. Can't wait to teach it to you!)

To be honest, though...I'm a little frightened for you. Remember when your kids headed off for their first day of school, and you knew they would surely be asked to say their "names" out loud? You were frightened for them. Sure, Tack and Tick and Swigger were brave kids--but as they loaded up the gun rack and headed off to kindergarten that day, you realized you couldn't protect them from impending, certain ridicule. That's how I feel about you today, Sarah.

You're my Swigger. You'll always be my Swigger.

Aw shoot, Sarah. I'm just sick for ya! If there's anyone who doesn't "understand anything at all," it's me, Bushy. One month before the 2000 election people started making fun of me, too--just because I claimed that "the human being and fish can coexist peacefully," and then followed with, "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." I still believe that, by the way.

I don't have a good feeling about tonight.

That guy Biden? (He's either a "Representative" or a "Senator" from Delaware--I would tell you but I find things "stick" better when you do research yourself.) Well, either way, he seems to know lots of things about things. Heaps and heaps of things.

He's given 89 national and local interviews since you were announced to be the Vice Presidential candidate. You haven't given one press conference, Sarah. In fact, I'm not sure you've given an interview that involved more than one microphone. Or even a microphone with a handle.

But I guess that's fine. I mean, The War Hero's spokesman, Michael Goldfarb, insists that you'll do at least one national press conference before election day. That should instill all sorts of confidence. I think Kennedy only gave one. Two, tops. You remind me of him, Sarah.

Oh, Sarah. I'm sorry this letter is a little flighty. (Your "topic sentences" are always much better than mine). But please know that I am deeply, deeply, deeply concerned for your well being this week and I am going to pray and pray and pray for you and for other stuff, like The Dallas Cowboys and Jello.

Be strong in God's force field. The laughter and mockery that has begun will, unfortunately, continue to spew upon every inch of your sorta-kinda-pretty face. And your simple-minded supporters, like me, may soon be cast away as "doltish Christian rubes." I don't know a couple of those words, but they sure got the Christian part right! :)

May the Lord God Jesus Holy Spirit Bible bless you, Sarah. And tonight, just remember: maverick, drill, freedom, democracy, values, Downs Syndrome, sure/shore up economy, Putn', good guys, bad guys, back on track, maverick, (finger to chin, finger to chin), another Holocaust, gotchya media, executive experience, Ronald Reagan, foreign policy, Alaska!, Putn', Putn', Putn', maritime border, States rights, earmark, freedom, best country in the universe, and "I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you."

With great empathy, and God/Christ,
George W. "Bushy" Bush