THE BLOG
04/28/2016 03:27 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Twelve Clueless Excuses Adulterers Give their Wives

2016-04-27-1461774574-2084005-cluelessexcusesdmgcntrlcpyrtframe.jpg The excuses men give when confronted about cheating vary from extremely predictable to astonishingly off the wall. However absurd some of these may seem, none have been made up.
  1. "It's not what it looks like--I did not have sex with that woman." This is the kind of guy who, when he was in high school, told his teacher that the dog ate his homework, and the teacher didn't believe him either.
  2. "I reserve the right to f**k who I want, when I want. I don't believe in monogamy." What can I say that is positive about this horribly horny, humping husband? At least he is being honest. Grammatically incorrect, but honest. Perhaps the best reply a wife can give to this is, "Then I reserve the right to tell you to f**k off!
  3. "I couldn't help it. It just happened." You have to feel sorry for the poor guy, ruled by his penis brain, with no free will in the matter at all.
  4. "How can I choose between you and her? It would be like asking you to choose between our two sons." The mistress of this dolt was young enough to be his daughter, and he did not realize how inadvertently incestuous his comment sounded.
  5. "I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I don't know what to say." What mistake is he sorry about--bonking the bimbo or the fact that you found out about it?
  6. "I'm perfectly capable of being in love with two women at once." Yes, one for unbridled passion, and the other to make dinner, clean the toilet and do the bookkeeping.
  7. "Don't you want me to be happy?" Well yes, asshole! But not by accepting the fact that you are sticking your dick in another woman.
  8. "I did it out of kindness--she was feeling down and needed some human affection." He really sees his wiener as providing a public service.
  9. "You shouldn't have kept pushing me to tell you what was going on--you were perfectly happy before." He is trying to place all the blame on you. Imagine an ax-murderer telling his wife, "It's all your fault for discovering this--you really loved being with me before you knew!"
  10. "You're only upset because of your conditioning. You need to let go of having to be right all the time and find a way of being happy by accepting me as I am." Clearly the husband's conditioning does not fit well with that of his wife. Maybe she should accept him by finding a way of being happy with someone else with whom she does not have a conditioning mismatch.
  11. "I have a stronger sex drive than you do." Sadly, in long-term marriages, passion often does fizzle, buried under the drudge of daily life. Sex with his new babe may be all candy--no problems with the kids, the business, the taxman, the house or anything like that will intrude into the bedroom. Ironically, just like your wayward husband, you too might discover that your previously lackluster sex drive skyrockets to the stratosphere if you find a lover outside the marriage.
  12. "We've had past lives together." Now I am not discussing whether past life karma does or does not exist, but how come cheaters come up with this line when they are having affairs with a pretty babe young enough to be their daughter? Why do we never hear about their need for some past-life nookie with the grandmotherly lady at the local post office or the overweight woman with a front tooth missing who bags their groceries at the supermarket? Interestingly, on the subject of karma and past lives, Tibetan Buddhist teachers will often tell you that everyone at some time or another has been your mother. They do this to make you aware of how you should be compassionate towards all sentient beings, whether or not you have any relationship at all with them in your present life. So the babe he is currently bonking was just as likely to be his mom as his girlfriend in a previous incarnation. Doesn't that sound rather twisted and incestuous?

Adapted from C. J. Grace's new book, Adulterer's Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not, available on Amazon.com. Visit C. J.'s website, adultererswife.com and follow her on Twitter: twitter.com/cjgraceauthor/

Cartoon artwork by Aaron Austin.