Thanksgiving should be a relaxing and enjoyable holiday, chock-full of turkey, stuffing, family drama, name-calling, over-eating, binge-drinking, tears and perhaps an aunt's nipple-slip. But this year, the holiday is tinged with worries over TSA pat-downs, and it's true -- there is an excellent chance that you'll find yourself up close and personal with the TSA folks.
With all of the recent controversy and negative press they've been getting, you're bound to be a little concerned over pat-downs and your privacy. I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that bad. In fact, you could, and should, make it enjoyable. Here are some excellent ideas to make your pat-down fun:
First and foremost, you'll want to get their attention. I suggest putting an uncooked turkey through the conveyor belt and telling them to leave it in for 12 hours, basting it every hour. This will almost guarantee you'll get some decent questioning and at least a superficial pat-down. Wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothing should seal the deal.
Once you're in position...
Just prior to the pat-down, put your iPhone on speaker and play some 70's porn music. This will set the mood.
Then say, "Without getting into the gory details, you might want to double up on the latex gloves." Wink and add, "you'll thank me later."
Tell them "Hide the Wand" is your favorite game.
After they pass your naughty bits with the wand, pull a live rabbit out of your pants and say "ta-da!" (note: If for some reason you are not traveling with a live rabbit, a bouquet of flowers or an endless handkerchief will suffice.)
Then, mention that they should go easy on your left side. You have an undeveloped twin, and he's cranky.
Ask if the latex gloves are ribbed for your pleasure.
Tell them you carry a lot of tension in your neck, so if they could, focus on that area.
When they start to touch you, tell them this is just like when your Uncle Pete used to say "special goodnights" to you. Add in that you promise not to tell if they buy you a Barbie. (G.I. Joe if you're a dude.)
During your pat-down, moan appreciatively, getting more and more excited. Throw in an encouraging, "Yes!" and perhaps a demanding "Say my name, bitch!"
Tell them to guess which boob is the fake one. (Substitute "ball" if you have 'em.)
Ask if they do "happy endings," or "should I just take care of myself?"
When it starts to get boring, blow a rape whistle. Plastic, of course. Can't get metal through the detectors.
As your pat down is ending, ask them if it's just you or if they too feel a real connection. Regardless of their answer, get down on one knee and propose. Tell them they'll have to do a more "private" search to find the ring.
Have a wonderful holiday.
Oh, by the way, if you do try any of these activities and find yourself in trouble, please send all complaints to my personal email at: email@example.com.