Welcome to "Ask MISTER CARL." I'm Carl Sandler, the founder of the gay dating app MISTER and Daddyhunt.com and a relationship expert on The Morning Jolt on OutQ on Sirius XM Radio. In this new blog series I offer strategies and advice for anyone navigating the marvelous, messy and often fucked-up dilemmas we face in our quests for intimacy, both online and off.
Dear MR. Carl,
I'm a smart, good-looking African-American guy looking for love online. I'm really into white guys, but none of them ever respond when I send them a message. I might as well be invisible! What do I have to do to get a white boy's attention?
--Wanna Be Down With the Swirl
Dear Wanna Be Down,
I'll be honest: I didn't want to answer this question. A white guy giving advice to a black guy on matters of sexual racism feels more awkward than a Birth of a Nation/Django Unchained double feature. But at the same time, I think good advice should be colorblind, so I'll give it my best shot.
First the bad news: As much as our community loves to wave rainbow flags and talk about equality, there's just as much sexual racism in the gay world as there is anywhere else. Sometimes it's overt ("no Asians!"), sometimes it's subtle ("no thugs, please") and sometimes, as it might be in your case, it's just unspoken. Does announcing your distaste for an entire group of people make you an asshole? Absolutely. But does not being attracted to certain physical features mean you're racist? Well, that's not so black-and-white.
The reality is that as much as you'd like to connect with a Caucasian cutie, there are some guys who just aren't interested in dipping their finger in your blackberry molasses. They also might not be into other white guys, or hairy guys, or guys who wear glasses. The possibilities are endless. Nevertheless, because your email says that none of the white boys you reach out to ever respond to you, I suspect that there are larger issues/problems at work here, and it may be worth examining other aspects of your own online dating strategy. You can't change the world overnight, but you can up your own game, usually just by putting a little more time and effort into your own online calling card.
Does your profile leave too much (or too little) to the imagination? Do your photos tell something about yourself that's more than skin-deep?
Remember, interracial romance exists (and is more common among gays than straights, in fact). There are plenty of white guys out there looking for a guy like you. Perfecting an online profile to attract the kind of person you want takes some work, but if you get it right, you're going to find out pretty quickly that white men can jump.
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Dear MR. Carl,
Last week while my boyfriend was at work, I used his computer to check my email and found something that I wish I hadn't. On his desktop was a folder with my name, Justin, on it. Of course I opened it, thinking it was going to be filled cute pictures of us. Instead, I found dozens of shirtless pictures of Justin Bieber! I know he's legal and everything, but there were definitely some in there from when he was under 18. Everyone always says that if you go snooping, you'd better be prepared for what you find, but it was totally innocent on my part! Should I be worried he's some kind of pseudo pedophile, or do you think he just has a thing for twinks?
--Can't Belieb This is Happening!
Dear Harriet the Spy,
Do you really believe there's a "totally innocent" way to go peeking around your boyfriend's computer? I don't, and I suspect you don't either. Tsk, tsk, Justin!
Let's get your big concern out of the way first. Fantasizing about pictures of the Biebs doesn't make your boyfriend a pedophile. It just means that he has bad taste in teenyboppers! Like, OMFG, there are so many way hotter teen idols out there. (Max George from The Wanted, I'm talking to you! Call me, maybe?)
It's no big secret that gay men and teenage girls have more in common than we'd sometimes care to admit (a big exception being that we'll totally go to third base on the first date). Clearly, your boyfriend is crushing hard on this doe-eyed sorcerer, but trust me, there are worse celebrities he could be into. I know. I lived through the '80s.
Next time: "We broke up a year ago, so why is he still living in my house?"
Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.