Welcome to "Ask MISTER CARL." I'm Carl Sandler, the founder of the gay dating app MISTER and Daddyhunt.com and a relationship expert on The Morning Jolt on OutQ on Sirius XM Radio. In this new blog series I offer strategies and advice for anyone navigating the marvelous, messy and often fucked-up dilemmas we face in our quests for intimacy, both online and off.
* * * * *
Dear MR. Carl,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have a very active sex life. I usually top him, but sometimes I'm in the mood to switch it up and have him top me (I'm vers). The problem is, he can't do it. Every time he tries, he can't finish the job. He feels bad about it, but says he's just a bona fide bottom. We've tried using toys and dildos, but it's just not the same for me -- I need a real dick! I really am in love with him and can even see myself marrying him someday, but the thought of going the rest of my life without being truly satisfied in bed leaves me with a lot of doubt. Is our relationship doomed to fail?
If I were a therapist, I might tell you that sex is just one small piece of the greater relationship puzzle and encourage you to experiment in bed, introduce elements of surprise, and, if all else fails, learn to accept the fact that while your sex life may not always be fireworks, it can still be a rewarding and fulfilling component of your relationship
Luckily for you, I'm no therapist. The last thing I'm going to tell a wannabe bottom is to go without dick for the rest of your life. Sometimes, like the song goes, there ain't nothin' like the real thing, baby. In my opinion, it's likely you're two jock straps away from going out and getting what you need on the sly, behind your boyfriend's back. And that is usually a recipe for trouble, trouble, trouble. It's time for a dicktervention.
I have two suggestions for you to try on for size. The first is pharmaceutical assistance. Prescription drugs like Cialis and Viagra are great at keeping drowsy dicks awake, alert, and ready to roll and present minimal side effects to an otherwise healthy, red-blooded male. If your boyfriend is open to this approach, have him talk to his doctor to see about getting a prescription. If all goes as planned, he might just find the extra kick he needs to keep his man satisfied.
The second option is to experiment with opening up your relationship to include an occasional romp with a hot stallion who can stampede both your asses. You might be thinking this is really bad advice, and it might not be right for you, but I know plenty of couples who have enjoyed bringing a buddy (or two) into their bedroom without ruining their relationship. Of course, communication between you and your boyfriend will be key, and there is a possibility it could raise a whole host of other issues (jealousy, STDs, etc.), but I believe it's better to experiment than to break up for fear of trying.
From my perspective, one of the great advantages of gay relationships is that we aren't tied to conventions and have more flexibility to create relationships that come from our own needs. You need dick. Your boyfriend is either unwilling or unable to give it to you. That sucks, but it's not the end of the world. Embrace your inner bottom, embrace your boyfriend, and maybe, just maybe, you crazy kids can make it work.
* * * * *
Dear MR. Carl,
Last summer, my partner of 12 years announced that he wanted to split up. I was heartbroken, but we agreed we would continue to live together, since selling our house right now would mean taking a huge financial hit. Almost a year later, I'm having a hard time making the adjustment from lover to roommate. I still pay the majority of expenses, and even though we had an open relationship, it upsets me to see him go on actual dates with other guys. Am I a fool for holding onto hope that we'll eventually get back together?
--The Not-So-Gay Gay Divorcee
Have you ever seen The War of the Roses? The estranged couple in that film attempts to continue living together after breaking up, and they end up swinging from the chandeliers. Unfortunately, it isn't in the throes of passion. They're holding on for dear life.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you already know the answer to your question. Otherwise, you wouldn't have written me for advice in the first place. But love is sometimes the greatest of charlatans that can muffle our inner voice of reason, cast a shadow over our natural instinct of self-preservation, and turn otherwise sensible adults into irrational, confused children. It's time to grow up and make some uncomfortable changes in your life.
Your first step is to let go of the fantasy of you and your ex becoming boyfriends again and focus on becoming great roommates instead, ones who share the expenses equally, are discreet about their liaisons, and don't obsess over each other's private lives. If this isn't possible (and sometimes we just can't make the shift from lovers to friends), then I'd encourage you to find a different avenue out of your housing dilemma. You can sell the house and eat the loss, one of you can buy the other out, or (this is probably your best bet) you can rent it to a third party until the market improves.
There are many ways out of this situation, but I suspect the reason you don't see them is because you prefer to be stuck with your ex, even though he's clearly moved on. That doesn't sound growthful to me. Also, the fact that you were "surprised" by his decision to end the relationship after 12 years is disconcerting. Either your partner is great at hiding his true feelings or someone didn't want to confront the truth staring him in his face. In the future you may consider learning new skills for talking with your partner early and often about the relationship or learn to choose partners who are better communicators. Either way, after you find a new place to live, it might be time to search for some other real estate as well -- on a professional therapist's couch.
* * * * *
Next time: "My boyfriend's parents loved me -- until they caught me going down on him in their house!" Have a question for me? Send it to AskMrCarl@misterapp.com.