09/09/2014 05:21 pm ET Updated Nov 09, 2014

For That Parent Who's Not the Sharpest Crayon in the Box: A POEM

Carlotta Eike Stankiewicz

Hey, I understand we're mere days into the school year.

Your morning routine (unlike mine) isn't yet a well-choreographed, finely tuned, precision-drill-team thing of beauty. And that's OK. Perhaps your coffee machine's not brewing at proper jet fuel strength. Or your new meds haven't quite kicked in yet.

Still... you've done this before. We all have. And there are just certain rules that we, as parents of school-age children, know and abide by. Basic things that you should know by now.

For instance, no matter how cute you think they look in them, pajamas are not appropriate school wear for kids.

On a similar note, no matter how cute you think you look in them, pajamas are not appropriate garb for a PTA meeting.

Also, don't send peanut butter to school. In fact, don't send anything remotely resembling a peanut. No food containing nanoparticles of peanuts. Or anything related to the peanut family (Fabaceae), including third cousins thrice-removed. And absolutely no food that might have been made in a factory where there's a 0.00002 percent chance that a peanut-like substance might have, at some point in the mid-90s, touched a piece of its sterilized machinery. Please. Think of the allergic ones.

And finally... let's talk morning drop-off. I mean, I know you may be a few peas short of a casserole, fellow parent -- but really, it's not that hard to figure out this process.

Or is it?


They're not honking to say "Hello!"
They're not waving to say "Hi!"
See, they're staring and they're glaring
as you drive so blithely by.

All the shouting and the swearing
that you just don't seem to hear?
Well, it won't relent because it's meant
for only your ears, dear.

There's a reason for the hub-bub,
for the anger and the noise,
for the words that parents really shouldn't
say 'round girls and boys.

Yet it's clear to me you're clueless,
so allow me to explain:

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