11/04/2010 06:37 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Jesus Coils Around Me and Tightens Until I Can't Breathe and Then Eats Me, This I Know

The world will never be the same. More importantly, this country will never be the same. As the story has unfolded, people across the globe, more importantly, Americans across the country, have come to the realization that the course of human life, more importantly, American life has fundamentally changed.

I speak, of course, of the coming, I mean, the return of Christ... in extraordinarily ironic form.

Scientists at North Carolina State University (which is real) have announced the birth of our Messiah, Part Two... and this time, he's a snake. Twenty-two snakes to be exact. That's right, a female boa constrictor has had multiple virgin births, producing two (divine) litters of baby snakes that have no earthly father. But don't worry, they've got the best dad of all.

This is the world we live in now. Jesus is real, he's back, and he's a bunch of snakes.

Americans have responded in typical fashion by voting as many Republicans into office as possible, hoping that a last minute effort to appear more church-going will appeal to the now cold-blooded Christ(s).

But some Biblical insiders say that the messiahs' chosen form may be indicative of a fundamental change in messianic policy. Some speculate that these new Jesuses will be less focused on inspiring sermons, parables and foot-washing, and will instead be pushing a platform of slithering, swallowing things whole, and molting.

It has also been suggested that the fact that Jesus has returned as a lot of snakes, as opposed to, say, one snake, is an indication that we need more bipartisanship in congress. But that is being debated.

Nevertheless, the message of this birth is clear. Christianity is the greatest religion in the world, and America is the greatest country in the world because, not unlike a boa constrictor, we've got ourselves wrapped around the Bible tighter than a straight man's sphincter at a Morrissey concert. And from now on, the rest of the world had better stop what it's been doing and, instead, ask us what it should be doing.

As the Bible says, "He who holds the messiahs in a heated aquarium gets to tell everyone else what to do."