10/17/2012 02:24 pm ET Updated Dec 17, 2012

Clothing Kills

I am sliding toward a wardrobe of soft, stretchy clothes with no buttons, zippers or collars. After returning home from work, I am in yoga pants within minutes, my work clothes lying on the floor as if felled by cardiac arrest. In doing so, I like to believe I am prolonging my own life.

Yes, people kill people. Guns kill people. But so do clothes.

A fashion-forward scarf killed Isadora Duncan, the founder of modern dance. The hand-painted, flowing scarf became stuck in the wheel of a car in which Duncan was a passenger, breaking her neck. While this occurred in France in 1927, don't think your clothes aren't out to hurt you today. Millions of people worldwide end up seeking medical care each year after their clothes maim them.

Pants are extremely dangerous! (They are reportedly the leading cause of clothing-related accidents in the UK.) People trip over flared legs and fall when trying to put them on too quickly. Meanwhile, tight jeans are sending middle-aged men to the doctor. If you must wear pants, exercise extreme caution.

Too-tight clothing
Skintight duds have been linked to constipation and abdominal discomfort (tight pants interfere with the digestive process); heartburn (tight belts and waistbands cause acid to back into esophagus); yeast infections in women (tight underwear causes the pubic area to stay warm and moist); and sore or damaged testicles (from tight underwear and tight pants). The rule: Your clothes should be looser than sausage casings.

High heels
Tootsie torturers have left many women with bunions, ingrown toenails, posture problems, neck injuries, osteoarthritis of the knee, twisted ankles and falls that result in broken bones and teeth. (Not to mention ruining a night out.) Play it safe and wear Tevas or sneakers with all outfits.

Constricting ties can lead to glaucoma by constricting the jugular vein, which increases pressure in the eyeballs. Lose the ties, guys.

Button-down shirts
Bye-bye button-downs, hello T-shirts. Blood flow to your brain can be decreased by wearing a shirt whose collar is a size too small.

Never be ashamed of your yoga pants, sweat pants, T-shirts and sneakers. You're protecting your life while advancing the ancient quest for comfort that began with the advent of knitted clothing in about 200 A.D.

So don your TV-watching-clothes without shame. When it's necessary, you can still slip into something less comfortable.