12/18/2005 04:51 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Humans Have Sex: Get Over It

Four Minnesota Vikings were charged with criminal offenses last Thursday. Team officials say they are looking at fines, suspensions and other punishments. They can even be sent to jail for their heinous acts. So, what did this band of criminals do? Consensual sex with other adults! How dare they?!

Apparently, the Vikings players rented out a private charter boat last October for a party. This party included sex. Which good party doesn’t? Some of it appears to have been with strippers. Most of it wasn’t even sex. Moe Williams and Daunte Culpepper are charged with getting lap dances. Then, book me, Dano.

Who among us has not gotten a lap dance? That’s criminal? The four players were charged with indecent, disorderly, and lewd and lascivious conduct. These are apparently misdemeanor offenses that can get you a fine and 90 days in jail. I don’t want to live in a country where we throw people in jail for getting lap dances.

I don’t want anyone to misunderstand this story. The women who participated are NOT complaining. There are no charges of harassment or assault, nor is there even a hint of it. No, the reason these charges were brought was because some prudes who worked on the boat got pissed someone else was having a good time and told the media and the authorities.

In a rational world, that’s where the story would have ended. But in our bizarre puritanical world, an immense investigation was started instead. Hennepin County Sheriff Pat McGowan said his office “left no stone unturned” in this investigation. Why???

Why did you waste the taxpayers’ money investigating a bunch of guys who had some strippers on a boat? The sheriff says he’s not done and he’s looking to go after 30 more players. Yeah, they might have seen a boob or two – start a fucking federal case!

Man, we gotta get over this. This national obsession with sex. You can do anything you want in this country and get away with it, but God forbid you should fuck somebody.

A bunch of football players wanted to party, get some strippers, some lap dances and some blowjobs – what on God’s green earth could be wrong with that? That sounds like the America I know and love. If a football player can’t get laid in America what has this country come to?

So, for the employees of that boat company who were offended at the sight (they were not approached, touched or in any other way involved according to the story), for the county sheriff who launched this giant investigation, to the team officials contemplating heavy punishments, to the good people of Hennepin County and to all others who are offended by the idea that other people have sex -- calm the fuck down!

We all do it. We all have penises and vaginas. We give and receive blowjobs. We fuck each other. We do it in dirty ways, in boring ways, in different ways. We fuck, get over it.

We are animals. Babies grow inside us and come out of our vaginas. Feces come out of our anuses on a daily basis. We store up waste and semen in our bodies and expel those products through our penises, pussies and asses.

This might seem coarse to some of you. But these are most natural things in the world. Why do we all freak out over it so much? Nothing outrages people more than sex. But I hate to break it to you, we are animals – we shit, we fuck, we multiply.

This might be disconcerting to you, but nonetheless, it is immutably true. So you might as well get used to it.

We are tiny, tiny animals on a tiny, tiny planet lost in a gigantic universe. And we think our existence is so sacred that our sex acts are somehow holy. It is a laughable proposition. When a bull mounts a cow, world karma is not affected. Chimpanzees fuck eighteen times a day, and they don’t change the universe either. Little mice fuck. Giant elephants fuck. Even whales get it on. And God doesn’t give a damn about any of it. But, of course, we – center of the fucking universe human beings – believe, in our supreme arrogance, that when we fuck, God cares about how we do it and who we do it with.

And we go around preaching to each other about how we are not supposed to have sex unless it is under just the right circumstances prescribed by the Creator of the Universe. Not before you get married, not after, unless it’s your spouse, not with yourself, not with someone of the same sex, not that way, not this way, not in public, not on a boat and not with a goat. People make me laugh.

You think God doesn’t care how all the other animals on this planet have sex but is intimately concerned with how the Homo sapiens do. Sometimes the lack of logic in this world seems to know no bounds.

We spend so much time and energy trying to control each other’s sex lives because we think some supernatural entity cares. Well, I got news for you -- God doesn’t give a fuck.