08/02/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Bush Does Berlin (in My Dreams)

I don't know why, but these days, whenever a statesman stands at a podium, I imagine President Bush there instead, and I wonder: "How much more eloquent would His words be? How much more visionary?"

So we go now to Berlin, where Mr. Bush (not Barack Obama) addresses hundreds of thousands gathered at the famed "Victory Column" along with a worldwide television audience of trillions, at least.

"Greetings, my fellow Germans. Let me first thank Chancellor Merkel: Angie, lookin' fine... and Foreign Minister Steinbrenner: Nice to see you, George; heh, heh. Thank you all for the warm welcome. As I said to my cab driver -- let's say, 'Fritz' -- on the way in from the airport, 'For a bunch of SOUR KRAUTS, this is one heapin' helpin' of hospitality.'

I come here today not as a American president, which I am, but as a fellow citizen of the world. I say that because both my mother, 'Mama Barb,' and my daddy, '41,' were born and bred right here, on the planet Earth. Same as you. See what I mean?

I also come here as a student of history -- a D student, as I recall, and damn proud of it, too, 'cause I passed, and that's what's important. And so I know that it was exactly 60 years ago, in 1946, that U.S. Secretary of State Charles Foster Dulles created the program that to this day bears his name, the Marshall Plan.

We called it a 'post-war reconstruction plan' because that's what it was: a plan that we reconstructed right after the end of -- or 'post' -- World War Two. You remember World War Two, don't you? Hell, you STARTED it.

And we FINISHED it. Heh, heh.

But that's not why I stand here today. I'm here to say to all German-Americans -- and all European-Americans -- in Europe or here in Germany -- that we are all the same under our skin. It's just those Chinese and Koreans and Africans: THEY'RE different. And Iraqians.

But WE are the same, because we share common values. For instance, we love freedom. And cars. And flat-screen TVs. And VCRs. And sports bars. And the Dallas Cowboys. Values like those.

Now, Americans are compassionate, like the kind of conservative I've been for about eight years now. We in America are aware of the wartime sacrifices that Germans and Italians and Belgiumites have made throughout this great 20th century. And to quote my predecessor, which is what we call the man -- or woman -- who pre-deceases you in the White House: We feel your pain.

What I came to say on this historic occasion of my speech to you in this long-divided city is that we are partners. Partners against terror. Partners FOR Democracy. Partners against atheism. Partners FOR Christeo-Judish values. See how it works, back and forth like that? Partners against perversion. Partners FOR what I call hetero sex.

And today, as one sexual partner to another, I sound a warning. The enemy is out there within -- hating us for our freedoms, our Big Macs with cheese, our devotion to law and order and SVUs. So I implore you to watch your step. If you say something, do something. Our enemies could be just about anywhere, and, I'm afraid to say, that's exactly where they are: just about anywhere.

But this is not just about anywhere. It's about Europe, and Germany, and America, and Hawaii. It's about keeping our planet -- Earth -- safe from Democracy, so that businesses large and small can grow beyond all reason, and consumers everywhere can spend beyond their means.

And so my friends here in Berlin, take heart. The circle of life is passing close, and prosperity is just around the corner. This is our moment. Our magic moment. Join hands with America, 'cause we've got you covered. And with the Lord's help, Senator McCain and I promise you: this wall will come down.

Hey. Ich bin real!"