04/14/2008 12:24 pm ET Updated Nov 17, 2011

Not Your Grandma's Cage Fighting

In a move that can only be described as "duh," Missouri legislators are seeking to ban children from cage fighting. One might assume that children would already be prohibited from being thrown into a chain-link box and told to enact every school-yard bully's fantasy. You would be wrong. It is still legal in Missouri.

The 49 other states would like Missouri to know that they are totally telling the president on them and as soon as he's done bombing foreign countries that two-thirds of American's can"t find on a map, he's totally going to come home and take them out back a' the shed. But yeah, um, you can have their lunch money in the meantime. And no they're not crying. It's just allergy season.

In a concession to the wussy activists, avid Cage Fighters have agreed to add a few safety precautions. For starters, they offered to get rid of the cage. No word yet on where the fights will take place instead but I've heard the boy's locker room at Hunter Junior High is open on nights and some weekends. Athletic tape costs extra. The owner of the Freestyle Combat League has added he will provide additional padding for the stomach and chest and will no longer allow head strikes to an opponent already on the ground (kicks to the kidney still okay).

Supporters say the kids enjoy it. I say kids have been enjoying beating each other up since Cain first pulled Abel's hair (but Abel stole Cain's cookie so he, like, totally had it coming). And we all know what happened to those two. The supporters add that the ban will only "drive the fighting underground." Which if I remember correctly used to just be called Middle School.

All of which begs the question: What if the kids don't want to abide by the new rules and, say, throw a tantrum - what are you going to do? Spank them?

PS>. Yep, I totally linked to Fox News. And my computer didn't explode. I'm as shocked as you are.