06/09/2008 03:37 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Ugly Girls Are Easy

Parroting a rule that frat boys have known for years (second only to Drunk Girls Are Easy), Walter Kirn takes on the notion that ugly is the new pretty in the June edition of Elle. And I can't decide if I love him or hate him for it.

On one hand you have this unbelievably awesome observation about an unconventional beauty:
"Tilda's [Swinton] unorthodox glamour overwhelmed me. Her pallor turned luminous. And because she lacked the curves and cleavage of the stereotypical female star, there was nothing to distract me from her assured, refined intelligence, which was the sexiest thing about her. In even her most ordinary gestures--raising her coffee cup, patting her pockets to find a ringing cell phone--there was a magnetic elegance. She moved the way thought moves, with a quiet fluidity."

But then he includes this little gem about a mousy buttoned-up secretary:
"Straight hair, straight posture, straight in every way. Flat, too. And wearing glasses. Yet she was provocative as hell, like a stripper who was working under deep cover. She had a disciplined, stealthy sensuality that seemed to whisper to me as she slipped by: "What you see isn't half of what you'll get." (Watch a lot of porn, Walter?)

"I set out to get it, whatever it was, confident I would face little competition."

So to sum up, Mr. Kirn likes ugly girls because their "asymetrical features" and "substantial hips" don't outshine their inner "luminescence" but also because their low self-esteem makes them easy and keeps the other guys away. Interesting thoughts from a man who was married to a model.