10/08/2013 12:27 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

New York State of Mine

My friends call me the quintessential New Yorker.

Yes, I admit I moved here from Jersey when I was 16, but after 33 years I'm as hardcore a New Yorker as they come. Besides no one in NYC is actually from NYC. Well, OK, a few, but they're as rare as a mailbox these days. Hey! Post Office! I know you're hurting for cash, but did ya have to take away all the mailboxes?! It's hard enough to pay a bill these days!

But I digress..

Here's where the quintessential thing comes in.

because I'm ...

Jewish -- spiritually, culturally, but, umm, I actually only drag my butt, or shall I say "tuchas" into a synagogue three times a year and that's for the high holidays. So yeah, that makes me a high holiday Jew.

However infrequently I make it to Shul, I know the important laws of my people. An NYC bagel is never spread with cream cheese. It is given a shmear. It is illegal to eat smoked salmon on a bagel without a slice of red onion; optional but still recommended is a slice of tomato. Kosher pastrami is always better then non-kosher and must always be eaten on rye bread with mustard. Only a tourist, not to mention a gentile would eat pastrami on white bread or with mayo.

Neurotic -- I have no idea why people say this. Maybe they have tumors from the dust mites in their apartments crawling into their brains. I do feel that negative energy can be sucked in by your air conditioner, so it's important to keep the filter clean.

Fast -- I would explain this to you, but I don't have time.

Bitchy -- Hey! I am an empowered babe! So skip the B word! Although yeah, I do get a tad cranky upon occasion.

Eccentric -- I guess this must be true, because I find the word "Freak" to be a compliment.

Cool -- I'm too cool to care about being cool. I can prove this because I don't live in Brooklyn, although I do live in the East Village, which, I am told, is a suburb of Williamsburg. I don't drink beer or whiskey and I don't even know what a "Cronut" is!

Colorblind -- My clothing color wheel consists of black, gray, olive and blue. Anything else, except of course for orange sneakers, is an atrocity.

Multi-faceted -- Sorry dear, I'm too busy to chat, the writer side of me is finishing my memoir while planning a monoprint for my artist side and the chef side is ordering 30 pounds of flank steak for the wedding I am catering. Call me later when I'm an amateur therapist.

War-torn -- Lemme tell you 'bout Crown Heights in 1981, baby. If the muggers didn't get ya, the wild dogs would. We can also talk about Time Square when "sexy" meant you could buy sex there, needle park when it had needles and Tompkins Square Park when it was Tent City. Like most old school New Yorkers I don't miss the crime, but lordy I do miss the EDGE! I knew the NYC I fell in love with was gone when they replaced the 2nd Avenue Deli with a Chase!!!

Tough -- F-you, your mother, your mother's mother and your mother's father's mother!

Generous (with advice to non New Yorkers)
Hey lady! Ask a cop for directions! They're paid to be annoyed! Oh and by the way! Houston Street is pronounced HOWSTON, not HU-stun!

And mostly
Because after 33 years, I'm ruined for living anywhere else.

When I put my hand in the air, I want a cab to pull over not someone across the street to wave back! Waving! What is that?!