02/04/2015 12:27 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Single by Design


Has anyone ever asked you why you are single as if it's some kind of rare disease? I get asked this question all the time and my response is "being single is the thing you do when you are establishing/finding yourself and/or when you haven't met someone who meets your standards."

Before one can be a couple, you first have to learn how to be single! Because guess what? If being a couple doesn't work out, you will be right back where you started... single! There's no way of getting out of being single from the start, but the way you live your single life will certainly have an impact on the quality of your relationship with someone in the end. When you're a couple, there are two people to consider; when you're single, there's only you to consider, however, your consideration for others (while single) is an essential key to attracting a quality mate.

Your physical appearance will get people to come, but the heart behind your outer beauty is what will get a person to stay. Add substance to your relationship by being a person who has substance. Being single will allow you the space and opportunity to focus on who's most important in your life (you)! Once your life, health and strength is gone, you are gone, so put you at the top of your list of priorities before any other person. It's ok to love others endlessly, but never put an end to loving yourself.

God is love! A relationship without love is a relationship that is destined for failure. Love is the moral fiber that keeps a relationship together, so if love has not been added, whatever is hindering love's presence should be subtracted. When your relationship is guided by love, you'll be able to discern who is right from who is wrong for your life. It's not difficult to tell when a person loves you and when they don't, you simply have to acknowledge and respect the signs. Give it a test run on yourself; begin to do things out of love (for yourself) and then use yourself as the standard for which you will allow others to treat you.

With any and every relationship, there has to be an end goal in mind, and when it comes to being single, the end goal for you should be finding love and happiness inside of you and having the ability to share it with others. If love and happiness can be found inside of you, you'll never go a day without it. Having this independence puts you in preparation to live a happy, healthy single life until you are ready for something more! The idea is for you to continue to grow as a person, and as a people, so once you've found love inside of you, don't be selfish, spread it to someone else!

We often times go into relationships simply as a safety net or a comfort zone, relying heavily on our partner to deliver what we should've already been handling. Jumping into a relationship that you're not ready for is a disaster waiting to happen because there's no end goal in mind; the focus is merely on the right here and the right now. There will be more to eat when everyone brings something to the table. If your heart is empty, and you're looking to be filled by your partner, that leaves you full from what your partner is giving, meanwhile your partner is empty because you're not equally reciprocating. It's difficult to give out something you are without.

Before you start worrying about who/when/where/why/how you're going to meet the love of your life, be the love of your life. The idea is to find a "match." Your match will be the person who loves you in the way that you love you and beyond. With this in mind, you want to build yourself up to becoming someone who is worth loving, worth having and worth keeping. We all have a past, and there's nothing we can do to change it. Our past is who we were not who we are; who we are is the person we've become after experiencing our past. With this in mind, don't hesitate to totally reinvent yourself and present yourself not as you were, but who you aspire to be.

Often times we go our entire lives doing things wrong, and since we've been doing it for so long, we've totally convinced ourselves that it's right! If you've been doing something for years and it hasn't had an increase in growth or prosperity, there needs to be a change (if growth and prosperity is what you seek). No longer should you look at being single as something to avoid or be ashamed of; being single is something that you should embrace if that's where you are in your life. Being in a relationship or a marriage is for people who want and/or have planned for that life, but until then, enjoy your single life!

Again, being single is the thing you do when you're establishing/finding yourself and/or when you haven't yet met someone who meets your standards. The "right time" to be in a relationship or marriage is the time that's comfortable for you. Being in a relationship or marriage is an indication that you are ready, willing and able to commit yourself to sharing your world with someone else. If you're not ready to make that commitment, it is A-OK. Relationships are not for everybody. Relationships are only for the "ready!"

Marriage is forever, so if you have the desire to be married, finding love within yourself while you are single is the very first step. If you want to be in any type of relationship of substance, finding love within yourself is also the very first step. The idea behind being single is to reflect on "you" as an individual and an independent; take as much time as you need to figure yourself out before you dedicate your time, energy, effort, heart and money to someone else.

Once you have established yourself spiritually, financially and emotionally, your esteem will soar to new heights, your confidence will shine through in everything you do and the love inside of you will beam onto everyone in your presence. Now that you've found love within yourself, you're a different person; you've changed your heart, which is changing your mind. You'll find that the way you make yourself feel surpasses that of many people you've had in your inner circle, which will prompt an immediate "clean up" of your social network and surrounding influences.

Now that you've found love within yourself, you will want to surround yourself with people who are also ready, able, and willing to love you just as much, if not more! Your value system will change, and your interests will be in things that inspire and motivate you to be better, which will introduce you to better people. When you're a better person, you'll be exposed to better people. When you're at the worst, the worst will tend to be more attracted, so your "singledom" needs to be a strategic design that is meant to elevate your standards of living.

Once you've learned to embrace being an independent and have embraced the art of being a cheerful giver of love, you are now ready to welcome interdependence. Now you have something more to offer, because you are giving what you have and what you can afford to give. You are no longer an empty heart looking to be filled by the next person you meet. You are giving what you hope to receive; you are leading by example; you are giving from the heart, and that's the best place to store your gifts.

Single by design is the "plan of action" you carry out when you are looking for growth and change. Some people are single because their partner broke up with them; some are single because they can't find a man; some are single because they ruined the relationship they had. These are all examples of "single by default." You want to be "single by design." Single by design means you planned to be single (not to be confused with lonely.) Being single doesn't mean that you shouldn't interact with the opposite sex; single by design means that the main focus of your interaction should be with "you."

Never allow another person or other people to decide when the right time is for "you" to commit to someone. Only you should make that decision, and you should follow your heart. Before you use your heart, make sure your heart is in the right place; keep your heart above your waist where it belongs. Once your heart, mind and spirit is in the right place, it will be much easier to find someone who is on the same page as you. Focus on your heart, mind and spirit until it's matured. Focus on others when they too have matured, and have made the choice to focus on you!

I know you all have experienced this before. What are your thoughts on being #SingleByDesign?

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