12/22/2014 02:37 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

20 Things Your Mall Santa Is Thinking

Chris Cate
  1. Is everybody screaming in my ear because I look old or because that's how children talk these days?
  2. I really hope that's just melted chocolate on his pants.
  3. Does this girl have a phone because she wants to take a selfie or because she is ignoring me?
  4. Would anybody notice if I put on the Easter Bunny head to protect myself from sneezes?
  5. I hope this kid's parents understand what he is saying, because I have no idea what I am promising Santa will bring him.
  6. What's the point of this giant belt except to pinch my belly every time a kid jumps on me? It's holding up nothing but the air I need to breathe.
  7. I could really use a bathroom break after that kid took a bathroom break on my lap.
  8. Is this suit itchy, or is it the germs attacking me for wearing their home?
  9. I thought it was gross when a boy left his candy cane stuck in my beard, but my definition of gross has been redefined by this new kid who is eating it.
  10. What's an app?
  11. I don't think this girl is going to look at the camera unless it can turn into an iPad.
  12. Why must everyone pull my beard? I bet nobody pulls on Mickey Mouse's ears to see if he is real. Next year I'm going back to the fake beard.
  13. [Gasping] That hurt. Please, no more nutcrackers with your swinging feet.
  14. I honestly can't tell if the adults who want a picture with me know I'm not really Santa.
  15. These camera lights are going to kill me. My life is literally flashing before my eyes.
  16. If I made contact with another Santa Claus, would it break the space-time continuum? Oh, no. I'm getting too deep into character and losing my mind. I knew I shouldn't have eaten those cookies after the kid who gave them to me dipped his whole hand in the milk.
  17. I don't need to be in the food court to know this kid is guilty of stealing my Santa hat. It gave him the same family of lice it gave me.
  18. This kid's breath smells like a dead reindeer.
  19. What kind of toy is "whaaaah, wahaaah, whaaah..."?
  20. Would it be weird if I tagged every one of these pictures on my Facebook page? It would, right?

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