12/12/2013 05:09 am ET Updated Feb 11, 2014

Going Negative

I'm going negative. I didn't want to do it -- no one ever wants to do it -- but it has to be done. I owe it to myself, my supporters and to America. Plus going negative works. Republicans and Democrats spent $6 billion on the 2012 elections, and almost all of it was negative. (The Wesleyan Media Project surveyed television advertising by President Obama and Governor Mitt Romney: 76 percent of Romney's television advertising and 86 percent of Obama's was negative.) And look how well it turned out: Everyone hates both sides.

President Obama's current approval rating is 38 percent.

Only 19 percent approve of the Republicans who control Congress.

Democracy: Accomplished.

Because going negative against the other brand works. And not just short term. You spend that kind of money telling shoppers the other dog food is made out dirt, it's going to sink in.

So I'll be going negative from now on.

I'm amazed that more people haven't gone negative in their personal lives. They must be idiots. (See how easy it is? Negative!)

Why doesn't Saran Wrap go negative of Handi Wrap? Trick question. They're both dumb products from those jerks at Dow. And that goes double for that bore, wax paper, and that show-off, tinfoil.

Here's how it's going to go down. Let's say I wrote a parody of Downton Abbey for cats called Downton Tabby (because I did). I could sneakily try to sell you one by mentioning it, but that would be wrong. And positive.

What I'm going to do is go negative on all the other unauthorized Downton Abbey books. For instance:

Travels Beyond Downton: A Guide to 25 Great Houses
by David Stewart White and Deb Hosey White

If you love Downton why would you want to travel "beyond" it? Why not just call it Missing Your Stop and Ending up in Thirsk? No way, Hosey.

The Unofficial Downton Abbey Cookbook: From Lady Mary's Crab Canapés to Mrs. Patmore's Christmas Pudding - More Than 150 Recipes from Upstairs and Downstairs by Emily Ansara Baines

Oh boy. English cooking.

Nibble on Sybil's Ginger Nut Biscuits during tea. Treat yourself to Ethel's Beloved Crepes Suzette. Feast on Mr. Bates' Chicken and Mushroom Pie with a room full of guests...

Please. If I wanted to nibble on Sybil's Ginger Nut Biscuits, I'd... actually that sounds sort of dirty.

Below Stairs: The Classic Kitchen Maid's Memoir That Inspired "Upstairs, Downstairs" and "Downton Abbey" by Margaret Powell

From Amazon:

... Margaret's tales of her time in service are told with wit, warmth, and a sharp eye for the prejudices of her situation.

Sounds depressing. Pass.

While We Were Watching Downton Abbey
by Wendy Wax

This is a romance novel about people watching Downton Abbey. Samantha (...she never expected her marriage to be complicated by love and compromised by a shattering family betrayal) Claire (...she wonders if clinging to old dreams can be more destructive than having no dreams at all) and Brooke (... just starting to realize that it's time to take a deep breath and come to terms with the fact that her life is not the fairy tale she thought it would be). I guess that could be okay. But on Wendy Wax's website, the author claims that writing keeps her away from season four of Downton Abbey and helps her "avoid spoilers floating across the pond." Which is gross.

The Unofficial Downton Abbey Knits Special Issue 2013 Interweave Knits

I'll let Amazon customer K. Schonlau handle this one.

Very disappointed.

I am a big fan of "Downton Abbey" and love to knit, so when I heard this magazine was being published, I had my favorite yarn shop reserve a copy for me.

I reviewed each knit item, hoping to find something I could make and incorporate into my life. I was sorely disappointed.

You know who's adorable with yarn? Cats.

Downton Abbey and Philosophy: The Truth Is Neither Here Nor There

This one:

Views Downton Abbey through the lens of some of the most influential philosophical thinkers, from Saint Augustine and David Hume to Immanuel Kant and John Stuart Mill

Which sounds terrible.

Philosophical speculation awaits on every page of this essential Downton Abbey companion. So take a seat in your personal library, have the butler pour a cup of tea, and start reading!

I don't have a library or a butler, I don't drink tea, and stop bossing me around.

Psychology in Downton Abbey, Season 1

Includes topics such as parent-child dynamics, in-laws, sibling rivalry, impact of feminist movement, sexuality, emotional expression and more...

Yes, but by book, Downton Tabby includes cats. In clothes.

Doubting Abbey by Samantha Tonge

A novel. A little white lie gets out of control when ordinary girl Gemma Goodwin swaps places with her rich-but-identical best friend Abbey Croxley and ends up on a reality TV show set in an English mansion. St. Augustine points out that the mouth that lieth slayeth the soul, so I guess she goes to Hell. That doesn't sound like something I want to read. Do you?

The Real Life Women of Downton Abbey by Pamela Horn

There's only one copy available on Amazon and it's $4,120 + $3.99 shipping. I'm sorry, that's simply too much. (Downton Tabby? Just $10!)

Lady Almina e a verdadeira Downton Abbey (Portuguese Edition)

"O livro lança um olhar fascinante sobre a dama que transformou seu castelo em um hospital para soldados britânicos feridos na Primeira Guerra Mundial (o que corresponde exatamente à trama da segunda temporada de Downton Abbey)." USA Today

No one reads Portuguese.

Mouseton Abbey by Nick Page

It's Cheesemas at Mouseton Abbey. And at Cheesemas, the Mouseton family pass around the Great Big Cheesy Diamond and everyone gets to make a wish. But this year, there's a problem. The house is clean, the feast is being prepared, but the Great Big Cheesy Diamond is missing!

I'm sure there are a few people in the "War on Christmas" department at Fox News who'd be interested to learn that Nick Page thinks the "Christ" in "Christmas" is interchangeable with "cheese." But beyond that, the whole premise of Mouseton Abbey is absurd. Downton Abbey characters as mice? Come on. We all know they're cats.

Deadtown Abbey: An Undead Homage by Sean Hoade


I'm gonna stop you right there.

I think we can all agree that I win. If you don't like me, at least you like everyone else a little less. And that's what negative advertising is all about. Feeling good about hating your choices. As Gore Vidal famously said, "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Because he was a dick.