THE BLOG
10/23/2008 11:15 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Sarah Palin Might Not Know What a Platform Is

Yesterday Sarah Palin did a phone interview with James Dobson of Focus on the Family. Most of it went pretty well -- lucky, he's a creep who likes children, that's an important sign; lucky, she's an asshole with children, small world, isn't it? -- but there was one ugly gotcha question:

Dobson:

The Republican Platform is the strongest pro-life, pro-family document to come out of a political party, even more so than the platforms during the campaigns of Ronald Reagan. There are principles there that I've been fighting for for thirty, forty years and you are trying to articulate those same principles, aren't you?

Oh jeez.

See, the problem here, for most Republican politicians, is that the platform is horrifying. A catalogue of revenge dreams and power fantasies, impossible and illegal, most of them involving women and scourging. It's the portrait in the attic of what Republican rule would look like, if the zealot half took over and pushed out the half who are just in it for the money.

It's not what you'd call a moderate document. Bob Dole, famously, claimed he never even read it.

That's what makes it a gotcha question, for most candidates. How to get around it. For Sarah Palin, what makes it a gotcha question is that I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that her party has a platform, or what one is.

He might as well be asking her the atomic weight of unbinilium.

So she goes into Palin bluff mode. What words does she have to work with from the question? "Platform." Good. We know that word. It's like a deck. "Pro-life." We heard about that at church. "Reagan." He was sort of like a young John McCain. Got it. Go.

Palin:

Absolutely, and Dr. Dobson thank you so much for recognizing that. This is a strong platform around the planks in this platform that respect life and respect the entrepreneurial spirit of this great country and those things, back to the social issues that are what Republicans, at least in the past, had articulated and tried to stand on.

Pause. Did that do it? Wait for next question. Darn it, he's not saying anything. That's okay, we can do this. Deep breath.

Palin:

Now, finally, we have very solid planks in the platform that will allow us to build an even stronger foundation for our country. It's all good and it's encouraging. You would maybe have assumed that we would have gotten further away from those strong planks. But no, they're there, they're solid, we stand on them and again I believe that it is the right agenda for the country at this time. Very, very clear and contrasted tickets in this election November 4th. People are going to see the clear contrasts, you just go to the planks in our platforms and that's where you see them.

And... done. Teacher, is that clock slow?

But Dobson isn't finished. He has a follow up. This must be what hell feels like.

Dobson:

In your private conversations with Senator McCain, it is your impression that he also strongly supports those views? I know that he did not oppose that platform when it was written. Do you think he will implement it?

I just remembered, I have an early out for band. Gotta go! No? Okay. Could you repeat the question?

What are the new words? "McCain" and "implement." Implement means "do."

Palin:

I do, from the bottom of my heart. I am such a strong believer that McCain believes in those strong planks and we do have good conversations about some of the details of the different planks and what they represent. I'm very heartened that John McCain ... he doesn't want a Vice President who will check the opinions ... of me at the door and we talk about some of these and they're very important. It's most important though, as you're suggesting, that Americans know that John McCain is solidly there on those solid planks in our platform that build the right agenda for America.

Nailed it! Pencils down.

She's such a desperate doofus. I'm glad she has nice clothes.

I think we might actually miss Sarah Palin. But we won't know until she goes away.