12/21/2012 05:42 pm ET Updated Feb 20, 2013

Wayne LaPierre Unpacked

You can't debate the NRA, and it's a waste of time to pick at their arguments, because they're not a political movement, or a marketing group or even a cult -- their worldview isn't robust enough to support a cult. Also, in a cult, someone in the leadership is usually getting laid. The NRA are just crackheads.

Once you understand that, you don't have to get mad at every little thing Wayne LaPierre says. He's a crackhead. If you untangled the rat's nest of old extension cords in his rhetoric you'd find the threads of a four simple thoughts:

I like crack.
I'm never going to stop smoking crack.
The sooner you stop bitching about the bad things that happen when I smoke crack, the happier we'll all be.
Do you have any crack?

Take his speech today, about militarizing America's grade schools, to deter "monsters." Don't try to reason it out. When he says "guns" just pretend he's saying "crack."

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Would you rather have your 911 call bring a good guy with a gun from a mile away ... or a minute away?"


"The only thing that stops a bad guy who wants crack is a good guy, giving him some crack. Would you rather have your 911 call bring a good guy with some crack from a mile away ... or a minute away?"

Well, whichever gets the crackhead out of my house quicker, I suppose. I have to work tomorrow.

"Now, I can imagine the shocking headlines you'll print tomorrow morning: 'More crack,' you'll claim, 'is the NRA's answer to everything!' Your implication will be that crack is evil and has no place in society, much less in our schools. But since when did the word 'crack' automatically become a bad word?"

I dunno. When all those children and teachers got murdered?

Let's not "automatically" make "gun" a bad word. How about "semi-automatically?"

When Wayne LaPierre suggests that we arm all our children -- Are you saying "with all the foreign aid, with all the money in the federal budget" we can't? -- he's not trying to infuriate you, by being too stupid for Wasilla. He doesn't know that America doesn't spend any money on foreign aid, and he doesn't care. He's a crackhead. He's saying:

"Why can't I buy more crack? Look at all the money you're spending on diapers."

But there was one part of LaPierre's speech that puzzled me, as someone who works in entertainment -- you know, the "callous, corrupt and corrupting shadow industry that sells and sows violence against its own people" -- I couldn't understand LaPierre's choice of the only two movies to single out as the bad ones:

"... the blood-soaked slasher films like American Psycho and Natural Born Killers..."

Natural Born Killers came out 18 years ago. It's currently the 1,298th most popular movie at the American box office. It was 25th in 1994. Behind, among others, True Lies, Clear and Present Danger, Pulp Fiction and The Specialist. All of which contained a certain amount of gunplay, if memory serves.

America Psycho came out 12 years ago. It's this nation's 3,257th most beloved film. It was 117th in 2000. Far, far behind Mission: Impossible II, Scream 3, The Patriot, Shaft, The Cell, Romeo Must Die, Final Destination, The Exorcist Directors Cut, The Skulls, The Sixth Day, Dracula 2000, The Art of War and Reindeer Games.

How did Wayne LaPierre not see any of those movies, but he did see American Psycho? What kind of Blockbuster did he belong to?

Before a movie can destroy a country's moral fiber don't some people have to watch it?

So why are these two movies stuck in this crackhead's craw?

I think American Psycho is terrific. You'd have to go back to Kiss Me Deadly to find another adaptation where a director treated a novel with such cold (and deserved) contempt. Natural Born Killers is sweaty and shrill, but it's got a couple more ideas than, let's say, The Specialist.

Why them?

Because both of them make violence look stupid.

Both of the make hurting people look like the kind of thing an asshole would want to do. Or a twisto, or a weakling, or a pervert or a cretin.

Or a crackhead.

And that's supposed to be Wayne LaPierre's little secret.