01/16/2009 04:43 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Why Do Homosexuals Want to Serve in the Military? For the Sexing, Of Course

If you like Southern fiction -- and who doesn't -- you're always on the lookout for the next Faulkner, someone who can take you, again, to that world of idiot manchildren and spinsters having sex with skeletons. A world of drunkards and poets, where degenerates and fanatically proper and squeamish old ladies of both sexes are condemned to live beneath the same roof with relatives they could only regard as monsters. A world where bible salesmen steal your wooden leg.

A world where, most importantly, and without any warning at all, anyone you know can turn on you and suddenly try to gay you up.

Well, I have seen the future of Southern fiction, and his name is retired DEA Supervisory Special Agent Gregory D. Lee.

Gregory D. Lee is also a conservative pundit -- and who isn't -- and syndicated columnist. Today his column is entitled:

Why Do Homosexuals Want to Serve in the Military? For Sex, Of Course

And it contains this:

Homosexuals predominantly want to serve in the military in order to have access to people their own age with whom to engage in sex. It's just that simple. It's all about sex, and not about serving the nation...

Or maybe I'm thinking of Private Benjamin. Either homosexuals or Goldie Hawn, one or the other.

All I know is it's almost impossible for a gay man to find another gay man to have sex with without getting sent to Iraq and killed.

It is not unheard of to have a lesbian officer coerce a lower enlisted woman into engaging in lesbian sexual activity. "I'm an officer and you're a private, who are they going to believe if you tell them I forced you to have sex with me?"

It's not unheard of. It just never appears to have ever happened. Unlike cases of female soldiers being harassed by male ones, which appears to be an epidemic.

But the Southern gothic part is still coming up...

Or two male soldiers go out on the town. One has too much to drink, and when they return to the barracks, he passes out in his buddy's room. When he wakes up, his "buddy" is performing fellatio on him. These are two actual cases, and many more like them have occurred, which prompted the ban to begin with.

I can't tell you the number of times this has happened to this, uh, guy I know. And let me tell you, he's pretty close to dropping those buddies completely.

And now a moment of personal reflection: Why do I automatically think these people are from the South?

Anyway, your move, Flannery.

Of course, I may be reading too much into this. For all I know, Gregory D. Lee has never ever read Reflections in a Golden Eye, and he doesn't even know he's funny, and he's just a frothing dingbat. Anyone who'd post a picture of himself wearing a toupee this absurd is either a comic genius or a perfect dope.

Or maybe that's where he hides the motion detector and the gun, for when he's asleep and the fellators come.