NEW YORK -- The publishing world was stunned today when Sarah Palin walked out of the recording studio in the midst of narrating the audio version of her latest book, America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag, after only the first two chapters.
"Sarah's really super sorry," said Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton. "The Governor is very busy with, well, things -- her family, her totally-not-at-all running for 2012, fear-mongering on a global scale, the Rapture -- you know, Neo-Con stuff. But I do know the Governor plans to send homemade apology cookies to the fine, hard-working Americans at HarperCollins asap."
"What the fuck is her problem?" HarperCollins said in a statement yesterday. "It's not like we expected anything massive from her -- but you'd think even talking about herself for a shitload of money might hold her attention span longer than the Alaskan governorship or college ever did. Can't this woman finish a single goddamn thing?"
Two years ago, an unknown Palin stepped onto the national stage alongside Republican presidential candidate John McCain and showed America that, like herpes, she wasn't going anywhere. While the majority of Americans holding passports and diplomas waited suspiciously for the punchline, to many Americans, it was love at first wink.
HarperCollins saw gold.
"We said to ourselves, 'Now here is a woman with a lot of stupid fucking followers,'" said media director Robert Brennan of Harper Audio. "We knew we had to be creative because we were going after a huge segment of the population that doesn't traditionally read much past 'Improved Buttery Flavor!' I mean, come on; how many of them even read that Good Book they're always throwing at people? But then we had the bright idea: Audio books! Now millions of Americans could enjoy every saccharine-sweet, value-laden talking point from the serial drop-out Governor's latest publication--right in the comfort of their Ford F-350s."
It seemed a match made in heaven (King James version), until Palin, once again, went rogue.
"Geez u guys," Palin commented from behind the protective safety glass of her Facebook page to avoid the possibility of any follow-up questions. "i dont know y ppl r gettin so bent outta shape about this." Facebook ironically does not impose any character restrictions on its users. "i think regular americans can understand y ive done what i did. its about goin 4 the ball when u c it. givin 110%. theres no i in usa, ppl, cuz im a mom and just a regular main street american concerned 4 my country n the economy n stoppin terrorism ;)"
Palin was correct about her understanding followers.
"That poor dear is just working so hard for our country, they really ought'n let her be," said Lurlene Meyers of Manhattan, Kansas; an unemployed mother of six with no skill-sets, nobly referred to by her Pro-Family community as a stay-at-home-wife-and-mom. "Between having that Muslim in the White House and all of them in Warshington turning my Medicare into some government-run healthcare program, well, I just think it's so refreshing to have a capable woman like that Sarah Palin clearing a landing strip for Jesus."
HarperCollins says they're in negotiations with Tina Fey, who they hope can help them meet their anticipated release date.