02/10/2015 09:53 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Cool Pope and The Boehner


On September 24, Cool Pope will fulfill a life-long dream when he steps in front of and addresses a joint session of Congress. And I must be the only person that finds this to be incredibly wrong and ridiculous. Why are we inviting the Tom Brady of Christianity (Yes, Golden Boy. Best ever. Infallible. Saint.) to speak in front of Congress? I don't get what the purpose of all of it is.

I swear it says nothing about religion in the Constitution, but I'm not completely certain. Plus, I'm American, so the last time I looked at it was on my 7th grade trip to Washington D.C. So it's possible I could be missing something in the text. Surely, there has to be something in it like, "We shall fall under the spell of Christ and hence shan't be associated with anything otherwise," or something to that effect. So I visited my nearby fair-trade-organic coffee shop to take a look ('cause they put copies of it on their reclaimed timber tables). Lo and behold, NOTHING about the Almighty. Weird, because I remember in Sunday School, Sister Anne telling me that God had handwritten the Declaration of Independence and Jesus was senior editor.

Regardless of the facts -- facts sometime muddy the -- Cool Pope is still coming, so you best prepare for him. It will be a looooooove fest (But no premarital hanky-panky) with him and Republican leaders. Probably some Democrats, too, actually, who still think it's a sin to admit they're actually atheists but don't want to lose an election.

Usually, for security reasons, we'd never really know what a foreign diplomat, or even the Pope, was going to be doing day to day. But thanks to some annoyed Vatican intern, the Pope's itinerary for his September trip has leaked online. Doing my part, I included it below. It offers a rare glimpse into the secretive world of the Super-Holy Man, as well as some curious and rather comical hand-written notes on various topics. It actually shows some humanity in the man. There's even some fancy Latin scribbled at the end, which is always fun to see, like a dog with one of those big head cones.


Some fascinating notes there. I typed that Latin sentence into Google Translate and it's something like, "Remember to bring my Beats headphones." Such a Cool Pope thing to say. And who knew Pope Francis liked Silicon Valley? Total shock there. The whole HBO thing... I'm empathetic with him on that one. For some reason, HBO is always the issue with cable companies.

Well, what if we give you HBO for two months?

Ah... I ALREADY HAVE HBO. Are you even in my account?

I reached out to The Office of Pope Info on the validity of this leaked itinerary but have yet to hear back.


Chris Peak is a freelance writer from Boston. He's contributed to The Huffington Post, GOOD Magazine, Gawker, Deadspin, and Point Magazine.

Follow him @chrishpeak