08/15/2014 10:49 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

They Hate You Too, Luxembourg

ISIS, ISIL or IS, or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves now, hates a lot of people around the world. If we're being specific, ISIS doesn't just hate the infidels and Americans.

They hate you, Turkey, for being too European.

And they hate Portugal for having twenty-four hour raves.

They hate Italy for their espresso and Fiats.

And they hate you, Australia for having nude beaches, but with hot people, not ordinary people. Ordinary people are gross.

They also hate Denmark, because every movie that's ever come out of Denmark has the same plot.

They hate the French, because- well, I mean... whatever, they're French.

They hate Germany and Belgium, because they're kind of one and the same, but mainly because they have good beer. And ISIS hates beer.

They love Somalia. Somalia, you're safe.

They hate Russia, but love the AK-47.

Similarly, they hate Japan, but love Toyota Motor Corporation. Toyota trucks, specifically early 90s models, have more room in the bed for gun rifles.

They hate Israel. Obviously. I didn't think I had to write this, but you never know which ISIS member will read this. (Hi. Eat shit, pal).

They hate al-Qaeda, and conversely al-Qaeda hates them. Which should tell you something. Al-Qaeda is the pot-smokers of terrorism, while ISIS is more like the LCD/shrooms/hash oil of terrorism.

They hate anyone that isn't male.

And they hate women.

They hate fun. Literally. In part 2 of Vice News' embedded story, one member said, "We hope for hardship. We don't want a happy life and trips."

So sad to never experience the Boardwalk at Disney.

They hate lots of things. Lots of people. Almost everyone, actually, except if you're a member of ISIS. Anything that's fun, basically; video games, porn. You name it, and they hate it.

Believe me... the feeling's mutual.

Chris Peak is a freelance writer from Boston. He's contributed to the Huffington Post, Gawker, Deadspin, and Point Magazine. Follow him @chrishpeak where you'll learn something new every other week.