03/05/2013 06:41 pm ET Updated May 05, 2013

Letter To My Younger Self: Stop Saying Guys Who Dumped You Were Gay

Sometimes I buck the trends, and sometimes I drag my mom to the mall to buy Jellies and chalk-striped jeans because everyone in 5th grade has them. Today, I am hopping on an epistle bandwagon. I am referring to authors writing letters to their younger selves.

Ever since I saw this idea, I have been thinking of what I would tell myself. I suck at taking advice, so I don't want to waste my breath. I wouldn't bother telling younger me to embrace big concepts, like Carpe Diem or "Love Your Body As It Is." I am pretty sure she would give me a ka-pow to the kisser if I took that route.

So, I took another one:

Dear Christie,

Here are some things I wish you might consider sooner rather than later.

• I can't believe you haven't figured this out, but you should NOT shop for jeans when you feel fat. Go to the shoe department and ONLY the shoe department.

• Can you please start wearing nicer bras so you don't end up almost 40 years old with a "lingerie" drawer full of Champion sports bras from Target? Please do some leg work; you are going to get busier later in life. Don't make Old Christie do everything.

• While you are sitting around moping about being single, go ahead and start good habits around shaving your legs. I know you went to an all-girls high school, but you're out in the real world now and that stubbly stuff isn't a sign of anything subversive; it's just laziness.

• Alternatively, you can decide to go native and stop shaving. That's fine with me, but this is an instance where you need to go all or nothing.

• Honey, please stop telling people that the guys who dumped you were gay. All 7 of them. It's homophobic, likely untrue and makes you look sort of maladjusted and sexually hostile.

• Don't get those two kittens because you are lonely. They'll be hard to get rid of and you hate pets. Also, litter boxes don't empty themselves.

• Consider being proud of yourself for buying a condo on your own instead of fretting about being an "old maid who no one wants."

• Don't buy your first iPod at Costco. Go to the Apple Store and have the full experience, because when it breaks down, it will be harder to convince those Apple genius people to care for your sick iPod that you purchased from Costco. (SPOILER ALERT: You will spend 87 hours on the phone with someone in India trying to fix your Costco iPod if you don't follow this advice.)

•Go to your Grandmother's funeral even though it's hours before the Bar exam. Missing this will leave your mourning open for years, like a parenthesis with only one "(". Please. Just go.

• Don't get bangs. Ever. Ask someone who loves you to accompany you to the hair salon when you are postpartum. Tell that someone that you are NOT allowed to get bangs. Take that person to lunch after you get your hair done because she did you a huge favor.

• Don't be so scared of the big cases at work. You may not be a lawyer forever, so go all-in while you can. Ask your firm's superstars if you can work on their cases. Keep asking.

• Have more fun. By "fun," I most certainly mean sex. You are a good girl and denying yourself pleasure won't make you better. Use safety precautions, but definitely have more sex.


Your Older Self