It's the moment you've all been waiting for! No, not the Academy Award winners, but the Emotional Hardbody Buffy and Bonehead Awards!
Buffy Awards are granted to Hollywood types who portray the values and characteristics that are at the core of being an Emotional Hardbody, such as tenacity, bravery, honesty, authenticity, intelligence, strength, perseverance and resilience. Bonehead Awards are bestowed on Hollywood types who portray the opposite or absence of those qualities.
This year's Buffy Award goes to (drum roll) Robin Wright! In an interview this month with the U.K.'s Telegraph, the ex-Mrs. Sean Penn described her 2009 divorce as "devastating." But according to the article, not only has she bounced back, she has "joy ... emanating from her every pore." Good for her. Not only has she rebounded professionally as evidenced by her recent Golden Globe Award for her role in House of Cards, she has also rebounded personally as evidenced by her also recent engagement to actor Ben Foster. Much is being made of the fact that, at 34-years-old, Foster, her significant other since 2011, is not just younger, but much younger than Wright, 47. Because I am not an ageist, I don't see age and therefore refuse to comment on that fact. Congratulations, Robin, for a remarkable comeback!
This year we have multiple winners of the Emotional Hardbody Bonehead Award. Our first winner is (drum roll) Robin Wright! No, that's not a typo. She's both a Buffy and a Bonehead this year. In connection with her recent engagement to Ben Foster, Wright got a "B" tattooed on her ring finger (and Foster apparently has gotten an "R" tattooed on his) despite the fact that she (a) has been married two times before, and (b) has been anti-tattoo since, like, forever. I've said this before, but I'll say it again: When it comes to getting a tattoo wedding ring, the only person who has my blessing is Pamela Anderson. In fact, when it comes to Pamela Anderson, I'm disappointed every time she gets married and doesn't get one of these (which is a perfect segue to our next winner).
The next Bonehead Award winner is (drum roll) Pamela Anderson! Anderson wins for getting (re)married again to Rick Salomon (again) and failing to get another tattoo wedding ring (again). She has disappointed me (again). There's really nothing more to say about this.
And now for our third Bonehead Award -- and I've saved the best for last! The final Bonehead Award is jointly awarded to husband-and-wife duo Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott. With their special blend of narcissism, shallowness and all-around douche-baggery, Tori-n-Dean 4EVER embody everything that's wrong with Hollywood in one self-obsessed couple.
It all began when they met in August of 2005, when they were each married to other people. A scant nine months later, they were both divorced and married to each other. In the millions of cheesy wedding photos that were in every gossip magazine imaginable, McDermott looks like he is a B-list David Hasselhoff-wannabe who is standing in front of a bathroom mirror rehearsing the part of a Hollywood douchebag in L-O-V-E -- which shouldn't require any practice at all, considering that appears to be his natural look. And Tori looks like an odd combination of a suburban housewife who's trying way too hard and a middle-aged barfly.
One reality show, a vow renewal ceremony, four kids, several personalized love tattoos, countless cheating rumors, and not quite eight years later, and guess whose marriage is on the rocks? Surprise! It's Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling! Imagine, a relationship that started off with cheating, self-promotion and a lot of fakery ending up with more cheating? I totally didn't see that one coming.
McDermott has reportedly checked into rehab for "personal issues." (Wait -- is there really a treatment program for douchebags? If so, I've got a long list of people I need to register.) Meanwhile, Tori is "of two minds" as to whether she should dump him or work it out. On the one hand, she worries about not being able to trust him, but on the other hand, she doesn't want her kids to grow up without their dad in the house. With all the cheating he does, how much is he home, anyway?
Tori and Dean, if you're reading this, know that I am rooting for you! You seem like the perfect Hollywood couple to me. You make me believe that it truly is possible to find that special someone who is a perfect match for you in every single way. My personal wish is for each of you to get more tattoos (not rings -- those are reserved for Pamela Anderson only), have (another) vow renewal ceremony with LOTS more cheesy photos and, like, really, really deep statements of undying love, and then launch another reality show. In other words, let the circle be unbroken.
That's it for the 2014 Emotional Hardbody Buffy and Bonehead Awards! Stay buff and not boneheaded and we'll see you next year!