06/30/2013 05:09 pm ET Updated Aug 30, 2013

When Things Go Wrong With Mr. Right: How Texas Women Can Mend Fences With Gov. Rick Perry


Ladies of Texas, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves! From the time you were all tiny cowgirls toddling around in your very first pair of pink cowboy boots, you were raised to do two things: Always act like little ladies and keep an eye on the horizon. You were told that as long as you did those two things, Mr. Right would eventually come along, and you'd be able to spot him when he did.

Governor Perry is your Mr. Right. But not only do you not know a good thing when it's standing right in front of you, you don't even know it when it's all the way up in your business. He's been trying his hardest to be your Prince Charming for 12 long years now, but you keep doing everything you can to run him off. (Everything this side of voting him out of office, that is.)

I am still shocked at your embarrassing display of unladylike conduct at the Texas Capitol the other night. Governor Perry was trying his best to spare you from pesky decisions regarding your lady parts, and rather than thanking him for Senate Bill 5, you got all hysterical. I know it wasn't entirely your fault -- that rabble-rouser Wendy Davis bears much of the blame for getting you all whipped up. She's a bad influence, for sure. But still, you were raised better than that.

And that was just the most recent example of ungrateful behavior on your part. The truth is, whenever Governor Perry tries to take care of everything for you, you act like he's crossing some sort of line. He's only doing what any self-respecting Mr. Right is supposed to do! He's trying to make all of your important decisions for you with his man brain so you don't have to worry your pretty little heads about any of that hard, "thinky" kind of stuff.

Remember, thinking is the #1 cause of wrinkles. I mean, anyone educated in Texas public schools knows this just as sure as they know that God created the world 6000 years ago. That's just plain science. And if you had your priorities right, you'd worry more about wrinkles and less about your uterus, for crying out loud. After all, have you ever heard a man compliment a woman for having a pretty uterus? Didn't think so.

So quit sending Rick Perry mixed signals. Everyone knows you're just playing hard to get. You lead Governor Perry on by voting for him then you turn around and treat him real sorry-like. You know what happens to girls who lead guys, don't you? They get what they deserve and they have no one to blame but themselves.

And what more could you want in a man? Governor Perry is both easy on the eyes and he doesn't want you to think one single bit. You're lucky he hasn't found anyone else who will have him. God knows he's tried. And rumor has it he's laying the groundwork to go a' courting again -- this time outside of Texas. See? You've done run him off, practically.

You need to start acting right before it's too late. Show Governor Perry a little gratitude for his commitment to relieving you of the heavy burden of being responsible for all those confusing personal choices. Look, I know this is a complicated topic and I'm sure you have much more rewarding things to think about -- like pedicures, malls, what's for dinner, and stuff like that. So, I've made it easy for you: I've taken the liberty of developing a three-step plan to show Governor Perry how much you appreciate him.

You may be thinking that since the Texas Two Step is the Official State Dance, a three-step plan is one step too many. I have two things to say to you about that: Thing one -- I've already told you to leave the thinking to the menfolk. Just look at all the trouble it's gotten you in this far. Thing two: After the scene you caused the other night at the Capitol, you can't expect to just waltz back into Governor Perry's good graces. It's going to take some extra fancy footwork on your part.

From this moment forward, you're going to stop all of your bellyaching and hell raising and let Governor Perry wear the pants. That means you have to give him the respect that goes along with his manly gender by consulting him before making any decision that involves your lady parts.

Is it your time of the month? Before you go to the store, call the Governor's office to ask what kind of feminine hygiene products God wants you to buy. And don't insult him with a superficial "tampon or sanitary napkin" question. This isn't some "boxer or brief" conversation-starting game. You're trying to rebuild trust, not break the ice. Prove that you want a deep and meaningful relationship with the governor by getting his input on everything from brands to product features. Kotex or Playtex? Scented or unscented? Plastic or cardboard applicator? But please be considerate and structure your questions so they contain only two choices at a time, because sometimes Governor Perry has a hard time remembering what the third thing is. And whatever you do, don't embarrass yourself by asking whether you should buy pads with or without wings. Wings are always the right answer. You know the old saying: Every time a new state law is passed that further infringes upon a woman's right to choose, a Republican gets his wings.

Need to schedule an appointment with your OB/GYN? Don't be all pushy-like and do that all by yourself. Be courteous. Call Governor Perry to invite him to come with you. But if he says no, don't argue with him -- he's a very busy man. Go ahead and schedule your appointment anyway, then make sure you email him all of the details like the date, time, location, and reason for appointment. That way even if he can't go, he will still feel respected and included.

Thinking about having intimate relations? Hold your horses. First ask Governor Perry to pray over whether this is the right decision for you. But make sure you give him plenty of time. It's summer and Texas is still in the middle of a drought. That means Governor Perry probably won't get to your prayer request until after he's done praying for rain -- and there's no telling how much longer that will take. He started praying for that last summer and he still hasn't had much luck. (But don't judge -- that's not a reflection on either Governor Perry or God. After all, they are both very busy men.)

If you religiously follow the three steps above, you have a good chance of patching things up with Governor Perry. Look, I know deep down you really want him. Why else would you repeatedly vote for him? And since he's already yours, you may as well stop fighting him and just let him have his way. When it comes to things you cannot avoid, you would do well to pay heed to the wise words of Clayton Williams, another Texas Republican who cared deeply about Texas ladies, their lady parts, and bad weather: "If it's inevitable, just relax and enjoy it."

Editor's note: This post is satirical.