01/30/2013 03:36 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Endless Search

I have put myself through some insane things in my spiritual search of so called happiness and inner peace.

For many years, I was so determined to become whole that I was willing to do almost anything. I have done sweat lodges, slept with crystals under my bed, eaten certain things and stayed away from others. I have had things in my bra, chanted sentences for an eternity and sought out masters around the world.

I have done fire walks and thrown forgiveness letters into burning flames. I have been spit on in the face, poked on my body and I have even been beaten up as part of a workshop. My home has been space cleared and decorated after all kinds of rules.

At one point I became tired. I burned out at the constant work on myself and my desire for wholeness. I was done with the feeling of always being incomplete. I was longing for physical results that could be measured and weighed. I was longing to live all of the things I talked about and knew were possible. And I so needed a break from feeling wrong.

The turning point kind of snuck up on me. I can't brag of being struck by lightening and achieving instant enlightenment. I realized that I needed to be a lot more concrete. Repeat what worked and stop all the things that didn't work.

I now know how to make my desires a reality. I live with a sense of deep peace and a knowing that all is well. I even get that nothing is wrong with me, and I understand that there's nothing I need or should do. I concentrate on having fun and I own my creative power.

The videos here reminded me of everything I have been through. Not to mention everything I have put my husband through. In moments where my heart aches a little, I remind myself that all of my detours are of great benefit and amusement to others.

I have a secret fantasy of being brave enough to do stand up shows on my spiritual endeavors and insights. While I work on the courage to go for that adventure I concentrate on writing my next book and sneak a little stand up in my teachings.

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