THE BLOG
10/06/2014 01:24 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2014

Sex After 50: How to Beat Bozo Syndrome

shutterstock

A horrible truth: You can't belly-laugh while having sex. At least I can't anymore.

Most of us did not have this problem in our teens, twenties or thirties. You could gag on guffaws and bounce back in seconds, minutes. Now you might bounce back in three days if you're lucky.

Please take this age-related affliction very seriously. Sex is funny enough without cracking jokes and acting silly. Stop with the whoopee cushions.

I watched a couple of episodes of Masters of Sex, then read the book instead so it would be over quicker (M & J would probably want to treat me for premature mental ejaculation if they were alive and found out). As far as I can tell, never did they ever do any research or perform any experiments with clown noses. Sure, bags were put over subject's heads while they did this or that, but can you reach orgasm while wearing Donald Duck or Goofy masks? These are the important questions.

I'm no sex therapist, and aware that said malady has a sample size of one (although my guess is that many cases go unreported, and a pandemic may develop as the worldwide population ages). So, I've put together some practical tips for avoiding hysterical giggling and acid reflux during foreplay and copulation:

  • Remove all zany paraphernalia you may have in the bedroom (Halloween costumes, joy-buzzers, funny hats, wind-up toys, funhouse mirrors, velvet Elvis wall-hangings, etc.) and put them in a closet in another room (unless you also have sex in the other room).
  • A television may be on during sexual intercourse. Most contemporary sitcoms are harmless, but do not tune in to repeats of The Honeymooners, I Love Lucy or anything by Sid Caesar.
  • Your cell phone may be left on, but adjust the setting to the default ring -- not ones that you've downloaded of Dracula laughing, a horse farting or a tune by Wayne Newton.
  • If you're with a new partner, warn beforehand of any tattoos of Popeye The Sailor Man or Roseanne Barr.
  • Remember to take both your socks off.

Follow these simple rules. If we all work together, I think it's possible to beat Bozo Syndrome -- and have a happy, fulfilled sex life at fifty and beyond.