THE BLOG
07/28/2016 11:53 am ET Updated Jul 29, 2017

Donald Trump's Phone Calls to Bill Clinton

There have been a lot of rumors that Bill Clinton is actually behind Donald Trump's campaign, which is intended to self-sabotage and result in the election of his wife. Now, thanks to these completely fake transcripts, we can falsely confirm that the rumors are 100 percent true.

CALL #1:

DONALD TRUMP: Bill, I'm trying to stick to our deal and botch my campaign but no matter how outrageous I get, it seems as though my poll numbers just keep going up!

BILL CLINTON: Well surely there's more we can do to turn off the American people. Did you try saying we should racially profile Muslims?

DT: I said we should literally ban them from even coming here.

BC: Try imitating a disabled person?

DT: To an entire crowd in South Carolina.

BC: What about saying Mexicans are rapists?

DT: IN MY F***ING PRESIDENTIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

BC: Wow, pretty messed up. Okay, guess you gotta isolate the entire party. Lemme think. [SOUNDS OF CIGAR-PUFFING AND SUBSEQUENT MILD COUGHING FIT] I got it. Say Vietnam POW John McCain isn't a war hero... because he got captured.

DT: Please don't make me do that.

BC: [AUDIBLY SMILING] Come on, say it. Say it and this whole nightmare will be over.

DT: I mean obviously it would be over but -- ugh, okay, a deal is a deal. You're lucky I love deals so much.

CALL #2:

DT: My approval ratings are up.

BC: Jesus Christ.

DT: I know, these f***ing lunatics! I feel like I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters.

BC: Ha! You should say that.

DT: Ha! Not actually though, right? Right?

CALL #3:

DT: Aaaaand rising.

BC: WHAT THE F***.

DT: Yeah. I'm terrified. I think your wife is going to lose to me! I can't run this country, I can barely run a company without going bankrupt or getting sued!

BC: That's it! Your wife. There's clearly nothing you can say anymore that will turn off White America, so let's have your wife ruin the convention. Americans love blaming things on politician's wives. That's why they still love me!

DT: Ugh, it kills me to throw Melania under the bus like that, but then again, people in our social circle often literally throw their wives under buses.

BC: Heh. Yeah. In our social circle. [AWKWARD WHISTLING]

DT: So what should I have her do? Steal someone's speech?

BC: Not a bad idea. But there are so many speeches out there to steal. How can we make it blatant, absurd, pathetic, and just generally problematic? What about...plagiarizing the First Lady?

[SOUNDS OF MUTUAL CACKLING FOLLOWED BY SILENCE]

DT: Oh you're serious.

BC: Honestly I don't even know anymore. Call me when you're back from the convention, enjoy Cleveland.

DT: Physically impossible.

BC: I know, I was kidding.

CALL #4:

DT: BILLIAM, NOTHING IS WORKING!!! MY WIFE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR OUR FELLOW CITIZENS TO CARE THAT SHE IS A WORD THIEF.

BC: Sorry, Donald, can't talk right now, nor will this cell phone number even work in about three and a half hours.

DT: And why's that?!

BC: Because I'm moving to f***ing Canada.