Hey Illuminati/Hollywood Foreign Press/Whoever Controls the Universe,
I gots two New Years Resolutions for youse guys.
Uno: Fork over the Oscars to Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.
Deux: Fork over the White House to Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren.
Bros/brahs/bromies/gentlemen, we have had our shot(s). It hasn't worked out so well. And regardless, maybe it is time to take a breather. This applies to when two of us hosted the Oscars (Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin) and one of us sort of co-hosted the Oscars (James Franco and Anne Hathaway). Only one gender pairing is left and I'm sure the answer lies in a binder full of them somewhere.
The same goes for the presidential tickets. Even when we tried going halfsies with McCain/Palin and Mondale/Ferraro, it was no bueno. And as for double dude-ing it, I'm not saying a Chris Christie-Rand Paul ticket isn't exciting. After all, Rand Paul-stuffed Chris Christie babushka doll sales will go through the roof. See, they just created jobs and they're not even nominated yet.
But if the media is ready to prematurely and immaturely speculate about the 2016 race, then I am ready to join them! I do so with a genuine endorsement of President Hillary Clinton and Vice President Elizabeth Warren.
Look, do I trust Hillary Clinton? Haha, of course not. Hillary Clinton doesn't trust Hillary Clinton. No one's seen more sh** than Hillary "George Clinton" Clinton. There are few people who have spent as much time immersed in the truly disgusting nature of the deadly political hellhole that is the Beltway than Madame Rodham.
But apparently, after a peace (lunch) offering with Barack and some internet memes, she's cool now. And I totally feel that. She texts, she fights back, and I doubt she's been in a room with someone who's smarter than her. Except for that one time in the late 80s when she and Bill shared a bed.
Hey. You know how I know Elizabeth Warren is a f***ing angel sent down in a rainbow from God as both a messenger of His divine will and proof of His existence? Because every debate I watched, the main argument against her was that she was like "Eh, I got like some Cherokee ancestry, right?" on a college app. That's literally all they have. She is a saint and a half. Four years for you, Liz Warren. You go, Liz Warren.
What better way for 'Murica to win the War On Women than to give two women the nuclear codes? And not just any two women; I'm not down for a Palin-Bachmann book burning rally in Des Moines anytime soon. But having women who vote the right way on women's issues -- women who can finally open, or better yet close, a genuine 21st century dialogue on federal regulation of reproductive rights.
So please, Hillary and Elizabeth, since I know you are a regular reader of mine, run this race on the same team and forever send a message of hope and inspiration to the unborn daughters I hope to never have.
A Young Man