07/15/2013 07:29 pm ET Updated Sep 14, 2013

The Clinton-Bieber Summer Summit

So I saw the best Tweet I've ever seen in my life. (With all due respect to @RobDelaney and @AmandaBynes.)

Since he was far too young, "J-Biebz" has actually been remarkable in handling the absolutely absurd international superstar status that nobody reading this could or should fully imagine. However, as with Ms. Bynes, we are in the midst of watching our national pastime of squeezing the sanity out of youthful celebrities taking effect with Mr. Bieber. Projectile vomiting onstage, smoking "mad doobies," and threatening/spitting/swearing at paparazzi. But this latest stunt is so brutally unlikeable that it's hard not to judge -- even if he's a kid who is more Under Pressure than Queen in the 80s. See, (one of) the problem(s) with peeing into a restaurant mop bucket is that it displays a truly offensive attitude towards the kind of working class people that clean up Bieber's projectile vomit -- and it also smells terrible.

After the urination spectacle, the TMZ video (reportedly filmed by Harvey Levin disguised as one of JB's "Wild Kidz" gang members) captures Bieber spraying a bottle of cleaning liquid at a photo of the 42nd president and saying, "F*** Bill Clinton," which, I believe, was Hillary Clinton's AOL screename in 1999.

So this Tweet means that Bill and Bieber had a conversation about all of this. Which is f***ing incredible. And here is how it all went down (transcript obtained by me threatening Bob Woodward).

BILL: Yo, Sir Surplus here, whaddup pimp?

JUSTIN: Hey, uh, Mr. President? It's me. Justin. Bieber.


JUSTIN: Hello?


BILL: Yo, Balanced Budget Billy here, whaddup playa?

JUSTIN: Mr. President, this is actually Justin Bieber.

BILL: And I'm supposed to believe that through your voice? This could be literally any teenage girl calling right now.

JUSTIN: Look, Mr. President, I don't know if you've been following the news about my recent incident but --

BILL: Yeah, I've been a Perez Hilton reader for years. He's the reason I decided to pass Don't Ask Don't Tell.

JUSTIN: Right well, I'm really sorry, I -- I just wanna make it up to you. I'm just gonna do it -- do it somehow. Give me a second chance, I'ma be a better man. And I promise, girl, I will do what I can to let you know that I am a changed man.

BILL: You're a goddamn poet, kid. I forgive you.

JUSTIN: Yes! Thank you, bro.

BILL: Plus, I've made my share of mistakes being in the public eye.

JUSTIN: Oh right, all those affairs you had while you were married.

BILL: No, I mean getting married.

JUSTIN: Right, well the point is, I'm a big Belieber in you. You're Down to Earth, your Swag's Mean, and you were Born to Be Somebody who's loved All Around the World. I was just Stuck In the Moment and I Would love for us to Be Alright. And I don't wanna go Overboard, bro, but if I was your boyfriend, well, I'd never let you go.

BILL: I didn't ask, you didn't need to tell.

JUSTIN: We're not Just Like Them, BC. There's Nothing Like Us.

BILL: As West Hollywoody as you sound right now, I totally agree, JB. Because nobody but you and me -- and I mean nobody! -- could get so popular solely by pretending to be black.

JUSTIN: So we cool, homie?

BILL: Wild Kidz 4 Lyfe.

JUSTIN: No diggity.

BILL: One love.

JUSTIN: Word up.