Black Men Don't Like Black Women

Everywhere from pop culture to the hood, men are either consciously or subconsciously telling black women they aren't "wanted."
10/15/2014 08:06 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

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"...but when you get on, he leave yo ass for a white girl."

Let me start by saying this: I know writing this blog post is going to cause quite a bit of controversy, so let's get this out of the way: I am intelligent, not what society deems "ghetto," and from what I am told, and given where I work in the television business, I am attractive. Why is that necessary to say? Let's start below.

Black men don't like black women. Yes, I said it.

I don't mean all black men, but it's true of many, and it's a growing problem. I think I wouldn't really care if other races felt this way about black women, but the fact that my own men do has made me consider turning my back on them multiple times.

My boyfriend and I were having a conversation about black men vs. black women. (He is black and Puerto Rican.) It started getting intense, and I said, "You don't get it! Black men are viewed as sexy and, in a sense, a 'trophy' for another race, but black women are never deemed the most attractive. Other races are always seen as a trophy on the arm of a black man."

He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "You don't understand the black-man struggle. They look at me like I'm a criminal."

In a sense, I might not. But I thought in my head, "At least black women value black men. It's becoming rare to see the reverse."

This all started because I was referencing a conversation we'd had when I was pregnant with our son. My boyfriend had said lightheartedly, "I hope our son has my hair." My boyfriend has beautiful, soft curls, a genetic gift from both his races.

But my heart sank. What did he mean? I am known for being sensitive, so I asked.

He said, "Courtney, I see you struggle with your hair, and I think it would be nice if he had my curly hair. You wouldn't want him to have coarse hair if you could help it. It would be easier to manage if his hair was curly was all I'm saying."

The rational part of me thought about what he was trying to say, but no matter how much I replayed it, it still didn't sound right to me.

What was he trying to say about my hair?

Everywhere from pop culture to the hood, men are either consciously or subconsciously telling black women they aren't "wanted." I have seen black man not even look twice at black women whom I see as beautiful, yet I've seen them break their necks for decent-looking -- dare I say unattractive -- women of other races. Huh?

Why are rap songs all about white women? If you think I'm wrong, listen to your music and get back to me.

Granted, I think everyone is entitled to a personal preference regarding whom they like. But when, as a black man, you start saying things such as, "I don't date black women; I don't find them attractive," I think we have an issue.

Even Psychology Today published an article about black women being unattractive. (It's since been taken down.)

Black men, your mom is black. Your sisters are black. Your favorite aunt is black. Do you think they're all unattractive?

As I've gotten older, I've met many men who will openly say they don't want a baby with a black woman. They want a baby with "light skin or light eyes and good hair."

IF. I. HEAR. THAT. STATEMENT. ONE. MORE. TIME. I. WILL. LOSE. IT.

Black men, if you don't support us, how do you expect us to be able to support you? Do you even want us to anymore?

I never understood why it makes a certain type of black man feel good to have a white woman on his arm. It would be one thing if it were true love, but some are just doing it because they see it as a prize.

Even on social media, my heart will sink as I see black women I've known from high school or elementary school now say they're "black and Filipino," "black and Puerto Rican," "black and [whatever race]" -- just don't say you're fully black! It seems these women have been conditioned to think they're not worthy if they're "just black."

These statements below are the most common things I hear about why black men don't like black women:

"Black women have too much attitude/ghetto."

Before I met my boyfriend's mother in person, she thought I was white. No kidding. From the way I spoke on the phone to the way I "act," I have been dubbed the "whitest black girl" everywhere from my hometown to a city close to the Canadian border (Syracuse, what, what!). The point of this is that I don't have an attitude problem, nor am I ghetto. I will get an attitude over normal things, like any woman would. I have friends of many backgrounds, and I've seen Asian women, Caucasian women and Latina women all get an attitude (mind-blowing, right?)

I have many black friends who would prefer to not be confrontational and would rather pretend an event never happened than address it.

Most of my friends are educated --more educated than their significant others -- and grew up in families from middle- to upper-class backgrounds.

We are not all ghetto.

"Black women are unattractive."

I'm going to leave out Beyoncé and Rihanna, because duh. But have you met a woman named Gabrielle Union? Michelle Obama? Halle Berry? Iman? Vanessa Williams (who, by the way, is fully black; people get off on thinking very attractive black women are mixed). Nia Long? Taraji Henson? I can go through this all day. Even the women in my own family -- beautiful!

"Black women wear weaves. I like good hair."

This is probably the one that irritates me the most. Do men not realize all races of women are capable of wearing weaves and clip-ins?

For some reason they think only black women wear extensions. Why? I personally know many women of other races who wear extensions.

As in every race, there are some black women with beautiful, natural hair. Is that so hard to believe?

I, for one, am tired.

I know I'm an attractive female with a lot to offer. I have a degree -- two, actually, including a master's. I am intelligent, can hold a conversation and come from a background more like The Cosby Show than the PJs. (Do you remember that show? I digress.) I know how to cook, and I am known for being "everyone's cheerleader" (that is, supportive).

Why do I feel so invisible sometimes, then? Passed over?

And, most importantly, why are our own men making us feel this way?