05/04/2015 04:10 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

What I Really Want For Mother's Day

1. I want my phone to myself for ONE day. My phone has been completely deleted before and locked more times than I can count. MY PHONE. TO MYSELF. ONE DAY. You don't know how to count to 10, so how do you know how to use a camera and the YouTube app?

One of my son's many selfies that I've found on my iPhone.

2. I want to not be woken up by a human plopping their body weight on me.

3. Scratch that... what I really want is to wake up on Mother's Day with my son magically potty-trained, because potty training is hard and those cute little toilets I bought aren't helping him want to potty like I thought it would.

5. Speaking of bathrooms, I want to go to the bathroom all by myself for one day. Just one day.

6. I want to wake up and look exactly how I feel on the inside. Dog-tired. so that my family will feel bad for me and give me a break (I probably already look this and they just don't care).

7. I want my under-eye dark circles from being a toddler servant to go back to pre-mom days. Concealer does nada for them anymore. Why do I even try? This won't ever happen, but it's a wish list, right?

8. I want to watch a movie or anything that is not a cartoon. Let's be realistic and shoot for an episode of a TV show on Netflix or E! without being interrupted. I haven't had proper time to tell people how much I hate the Kardashian's, but I still watch them, ever since Kourtney had baby Mason and Khloe was still married to Lam Lam.

9. I want to eat an adult breakfast, lunch and dinner at a table with an adult-sized knife or fork. I have yet to figure out how I have time to feed my kid a proper breakfast and yet I get to work everyday and realize I haven't eaten.

10. I want a Dunkin' Donuts in my house, but I think that's called a coffee machine, so I am pretty sure Dad can get that handled.

11. I want my child to sleep past the butt crack of dawn. Isn't that the unspoken rule when you make it through being a newborn? I could've sworn that was listed on the birth certificate. I get you to one, throw you a great party and you now sleep in past 5 a.m.?

12. For one day, I want someone to show me when signing up for motherhood meant I became human furniture. When I say "SIT DOWN," it doesn't mean sit down on my arm while I'm laying down. Then again, my body was your room was for 9 months, so I can get how you'd be confused.


My son, Carter, watching television on my shoulders because I'm his human chair.

13. Speaking of, I don't want to yell at a single person all day.

14. I want uninterrupted sleep -- did I say that yet?

15. Not to hear any version of "Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog." On that note, I also don't want to hear from any Bubble Guppies or puppies. What exactly are those things mermaids? I'm just so confused.

P.S.: Before you get upset, remember this is satire. Hey, you have to find the laughs in parenthood.

Happy Mother's Day!