05/09/2013 02:21 pm ET Updated Jul 09, 2013

A Letter to the Girl Who Gave Danny Brown Oral Sex On Stage

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Dear Girl Who Gave Danny Brown Oral Sex On Stage,

Saw your pic on the Internet and wanted to drop you a quick line. I'm pretty sure we've never met before, but it's hard to tell from the angle and such.

I wanted to reach out because I was a little concerned when I saw that image of you -- not because you went down on Danny Brown in front of a huge crowd of people, or because he continued to rap while you gave him head, or because all possible conclusions I can imagine are unfortunate.

What worried me is that it appears you weren't aware of your options. You obviously felt limited as to what you could do at a Danny Brown show, and thus, I wanted to share some alternate ideas. Considering I've been to a lot of hip-hop concerts, I am pretty much an expert on this sort of thing. Hopefully, I will be able to clear this up so that, in the event such a unique opportunity presents itself again, you'll be aware of your possibilities.

Let me break it down for you then:

Number 1. The first option you had was to not stand by the stage and give Danny Brown a blow job while he was rapping. I know it sounds lame, but rap concerts can be really fun even without performing fellatio. You can rap along with the artist; you can booty pop; you can throw your fist up in the air and scream out "westside." This way, you don't have to miss out on any of the show. Danny could have been performing your most favorite song, and you would have been too preoccupied to catch it. It happened to me once when I thought it was safe to make a beer run at a Jay-Z show and that's when he did "Bitches and Sisters." I was bummed the whole night, and kept thinking, "Did I really need that beer?"

No, I didn't.

Number 2. Another reason I was so surprised when I saw your picture on all my staple blogs was because the other person in the shot was Danny Brown. Really? If he cares about his body as much as he does his teeth, I would be hesitant to go below the belt. I'm almost positive you could have found a better alternative in the crowd, and that person would not have been too busy rapping for hundreds of people to reciprocate.

Number 3. You could have bitten him, and I don't mean like they recommend in Cosmo. Bet he would have stopped rapping then.

Number 4. You could have punched the shit out of him. You probably would have gotten just as much attention, actually even more because you would have aroused security too!

Number 5. You could have tried to get backstage like the more traditional groupies.

Number 6. You could have left the concert.

Number 7. In the event of Number 6, you could have gone bowling.

Number 8. You could have called your mom to catch up.

Number 9. You could have taken blurry photos of the show and posted them to Instagram.

Number 10. You could have done shots at the bar, though that might have been what got you into this situation in the first place. But if you hung around long enough, you might have gotten them for free and that's always a positive.

Number 11. You could have played Candy Crush on your phone. A girl I work with tells me it's a blast.

Number 12. You could have chit chatted with the bouncer. If you were flirty, he might have even helped you out the next time you wanted to get into the club, which might be a problem now.

Number 13. You could have tweeted out Danny's song lyrics with the hashtag #notblowingdannybrowntho

Number 14. You could have handed out paper towels in the bathroom and earned back your valet money.

Number 15. You could have bought a t-shirt at the merch stand, and held up it for Danny's sweaty hand to touch. This similarly would have gained you access to his fluids, but in this case, you would have a keepsake that wouldn't give you an STD.

The list goes on, but see? There were a plethora of options available to you that night that you probably didn't even know about. Moving forward, I would encourage you to print out this letter and keep it in your purse for reference. It's almost as important as a condom.

And listen, I know there are a lot of accusations going around about you right now, and this whole thing is actually Danny Brown's fault, right? I get it. I understand. You might have even felt what you did was necessary. I'm not trying to point fingers. I'm just had options.

These days, it's hard for women to find men who respect us, and it can affect our judgment. Even your friends will fuck you over. So, I feel you there. You are exhausted from trying to be appreciated. You want to be noticed. Nevertheless, this sort of move does not help the situation. Now every guy's going to expect to get a blow job while he's rapping.

It also ruins it for the good guys because you just encouraged other women to follow your lead, and they will. They will cheat. They will do whatever they need for attention. And they will hurt the men who tried to give them what they deserved.

You set everyone back.

Remember what Lauryn Hill said: Respect is just the minimum. It hurts when you lose it, and it's hard to regain. Especially self-respect.

But you have options. Keep this list.


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