Before and after we become moms and dads, there are a host of classes that we can take to make us better parents. Some are straightforward, like Breastfeeding Basics and Attachment Parenting. Others are a little, well, you know. They're out there flying alongside Superman.
Most parenting classes are awesome, teaching us the basic fundamentals and bringing us up to speed on things we'd never expect to happen once we have kids. But there are some gaps. There are some classes that have yet to be offered, and I'm here to point them out.
Here are seven parenting classes that don't exist, but should:
1. Lego Anger Management.
This is not about learning to manage your anger by stroking a Lego. This is about learning how to manage your anger after stepping on one, finding 365,796 spread across multiple rooms or having to repair a broken Lego creation after you've accidentally nudged it with your elbow. Nothing incites inner parental rage better than those good old-fashioned building blocks. Most of the parenting population could benefit from some Lego Anger Management.
2. Intro to Other Parents.
Other. Parents. Suck. Not all of them, but there are hordes of them out there that believe it's OK to stick their petunias into your parenting business. It can be shocking when this happens to you, especially the first time. What do you do? Do you accept their unwanted advice? Or do you confront them like a beast in front of scores of Walmart patrons? Completely up to you. Just keep in mind that one results in sharing a concrete room with Bruno the Slasher.
3. Checkout Line 101.
Bad things happen in the checkout line. These bad things usually involve young kids, things within reach and temper tantrums. Mash them all together and you've got an epic sh*tfest in a tightly enclosed area. There are people emptying their carts in front of you. A line behind you. You're f*cking trapped. Kids are screaming. Eggs are breaking. Gum, that you had no intention of buying, is being ripped open as you desperately try to pry it from little hands. It's like a scene from a Stephen King movie. There should be a class to teach us all how to make it out of the checkout line alive.
4. Teen Talk Boot Camp.
Teens speak a foreign language. And if they're not speaking it, they're texting it, Facebooking it, tweeting it, you name it. If you have no idea what Snapchat is, or cannot for the life of you figure out what he or she means by "poned," you're not alone. For the record, you probably were "poned." But don't worry. It's all good.
5. Preparatory Product Packaging.
Whose brilliant idea was it to screw toys and gadgets to the packaging they're shipped in? Do they really think we all have a Phillips screwdriver lying around? This must be the same person who invented the reply-all email function. Preparatory Product Packaging -- how to quickly and easily get the freaking toys out of their boxes -- should be offered alongside Lamaze.
6. Toy Rehab.
Kid gets toy. Five minutes later, kid breaks toy. Broken toy gets tossed into toy box or pushed under the bed. Rinse and repeat. As parents, we've got to do a better job fixing our kids' broken sh*t. Or toy manufacturers could STOP outsourcing to China and build better toys. Either way, I'd pay for a workshop that showed me how to put the wheels back onto a Barbie Corvette (after they've been snapped off) or how to remove deep scratches from a $60 video game that was used as makeshift coaster.
7. Social Sarcasm.
This is an add-on class that serves to benefit every parent (and person) lacking a sense of humor. Loosen up! Laugh a little! Hug your kids. The end.