02/12/2009 09:33 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Nation's Stretch Mark Problem Apparently a Big Deal

I spend a good chunk of my day on the internet. If I had to guess, I'd say I stare at my computer for around ten hours a day, hitting 'reload' on every five minutes (even though I'm pretty sure it updates on its own). Needless to say, I've got time.

In that time I'm 'surfing' (as my dads calls it), I've noticed a trend in online advertising. Recently there's been an overwhelming amount of banner ads for some sort of stretch-mark removal product and a new way to lose stomach fat. In both instances, we're greeted with a 'before and after' of the most disgusting stomachs you'll ever see, with or without cringe-inducing stretch marks.


It's not just the 'before' stomach that's off-putting, but the 'after' one is usually just as gross. In the stretch-mark removal ad, the 'after' pic appears to be the same belly as the 'before' pic in the weight-loss ad (in a different pose). Perhaps it's a cross promotion.

What I find most disturbing about these pics is that there's never a face pictured. So we're just left with a faceless blob of a stomach, belonging to nobody in particular, existing on its own to terrorize our webpages and our dreams.


Normally, I would avert my eyes when these belly ads pop up. But it seems that whoever bought the ad space, on what seems like every single site I visit, has canvassed the entire page with them. If there's a banner on the top, I'll shift my focus to the middle of the page, where I'm met with the same two stomachs, strategically placed in the midst of an article I'm reading. They're everywhere, and every time I see them, I'm pretty sure they laugh at me. "Got you again, Abramson!" the pudgy stomachs seem to cry.

The ad campaign behind this sprinkling of stomachs throughout the internet is extremely impressive, showing up everywhere from Fark to Rolling Stone. Its reach is so sprawling, it's crossed the Atlantic (digitally, at least), as I've even been bombarded with it on the UK's Daily Telegraph.

This leads me to believe that this nation, and apparently England, is facing a major problem with stretch marks on fat, owner-less stomachs. It's the only conclusion I can come to. I had no idea this was such an epidemic, but thank god someone has alerted me to it. Here I was, resigned to a world where free standing stomachs were: 1) fat 2) doomed to always be fat and, without a doubt 3)stretch-marked. Now I know something can be done about it.

Things have changed and these stomachs are here to tell you so. Rid yourself of stretch marks and 30 pounds. If you don't agree, open another site. There's a good chance you'll be reminded of it.